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Jeff Byers: Doo-Doo Duties

by on May 12, 2012 6:00 AM

S— happens. That’s just a fact. But is it really too much to ask to clean it up?

I love the sounds and smells and sights of spring and summer. Sure, my hockey team is out of the playoffs (and if you’re a Flyers fan, so is yours in case you hadn’t noticed) and it’s a long wait until football and then wrestling season.

But that’s OK, because the temperatures are rising, kids are outside playing and there’s the smell of fresh-cut grass (I especially enjoy the smell of grass that I haven’t had to cut).

And there are dog owners out walking their pooches everywhere. It is great to see the canines dragging their owners along for some exercise. But, could we possibly trouble you to pick up after you pooch? If you are out in the woods, fine, let Fido join the bears and be done with it. But if you are walking in a residential neighborhood and you see your dog in a neighbor’s yard or a community field or a sidewalk - yes, a sidewalk - please do your doo-doo duty and scoop the poop.

Don’t pretend you don’t notice it because we know you see it. When your dog is crouching down on his haunches, that’s like the bat signal, you know you’re on alert.

Yes, I realize it’s not the most pleasant of tasks but it really is a responsibility you take on as a dog owner. I don’t know if this is a problem everywhere, but in my neighborhood I’m noticing an increasing amount of “doggie treats.” 

It is unsanitary — there are diseases that can be transmitted, especially to kids, from the feces. It is offensive to the nostrils, what with it being feces and all. And it is just rude. Somewhere along the way, good manners should teach you not to poop all over your neighbors (or allow your dog’s poop to remain all over your neighbor’s yard).

Few things ruin the mood of a lawn mower than hitting a recently left pile and the overwhelming odor that ensues. And now, instead of a tidy little pile, you have feces fragments scattered about and mixed in with the previously clean areas of the yard.

Worse yet, we have the ball parks where kids and adults alike should be allowed to play and run about without fear of the ugly, squishy sound of shoe hitting poo. Still worse is a kid diving after a fly ball or sliding on the soccer field, only to receive a surprise poo tattoo or a dog pie tie-dye.

Keep our neighborhoods clean and safe for everyone.

And what about those sidewalks. The sidewalks are there specifically so people can walk safely - except that it’s not safe these days because some of you owners of canines are actually OK with the dog just going on the sidewalk and then both of you continuing with your important tasks of the day. Then, some unsuspecting walker steps in it without realizing and now you have the poop tracked for a good block or so of the sidewalk. This is just plain nasty and wrong. Keep our sidewalks clean.

We recently had a Moshannon mother sent to jail and her daughter taken permanenty from her care because her home was filled with dog feces.

Well, I don’t see why the kid should be facing the same conditions or worse while playing outside and actually getting some exercise. Stay clean for the kids’ sake.

If none of these appeals are working, perhaps a reminder that there are rules in place for cleaning up after your dog. You have to clean up after your dog. It’s the law, man — look it up.

I’m not sure what the penalties are in the various municipalities, but there are fines. If it were up to me, and the violators should be thankful it’s not, there were would be a five citation procedure.

After the first violation, there would be a small fine, maybe $5 or $10 and a reminder that you really need to clean up after your dog if you’re taking it for a walk.

After the second violation, you would be required to pick up the poop with your bare hand and then properly dispose of it, along with a fine of $25 or so and a stern admonition that you are required to pick up after your dog.

After the third violation, you would receive a substantial fine and be required to spend an hour picking up dog poop from throughout the area.

After the fourth violation, you would be sent to jail and neighbors could raise money for various causes by flinging dog poo at you. And of course, there we be a more substantial fine.

After the fifth violation, the dog would be removed and put in a good home and you would face the firing squad. Or, if the courts ever change the laws against cruel and unnecessary punishment, perhaps you’d be forced to watch the 3-D version of Titanic for 24 hours straight.

I apologize for such a crappy column, and I apologize for piling on poor dog owners, but honestly, I seem to step in it anyways. If we all do our part to clean up the dog poop, I can get back to my usual B-S in this space next week. On behalf of my shoes, I thank you for your consideration.

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Jeff Byers has been the wrestling team’s traveling announcer since 1990.
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