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Jeff Byers: Political Football

by on September 18, 2012 6:36 AM

I am very excited to combine a couple of my passions in providing some analysis of the political football game. Football is the appropriate way to decide this year’s champion since everyone knows that politicians are pigs’ kin.

This game is always highly anticipated with the BSC (BS Championship) at stake and the regular season doesn’t really matter as the championship game always pits the Republicans against the Democrats (the Independents, Libertarians and Green Party are always scheduled for early season wins and occasionally play the role of spoiler but never have a chance to play for the championship in November.

The game got off to a rocky start with Republicans unable to settle on a starting lineup while the Democrats surveyed the field. Both teams seem to be ready to pull out all the stops which will make it exciting for the fans and keep the analysts busy dissecting all of the plays. Both teams believe a good mix of the ground game and a strong air attack are keys to victory. The punting of responsibility has always been reliably solid for both teams.

The Dems have had lots of success with the end arounds under Coach Obama and the GOP’s new Coach Romney has used the reverse as a staple in his playbook. As usual, the hitting has been hard and the crowd noise at times has been very disruptive.

Instant replay is being utilized more this season than in years past and it has resulted in some overturned decisions. The officials seem to be constantly huddling to try to get the call right, but there are penalty flags being thrown all over the field. Unsportsmanlike conduct has been deemed to no longer be a penalty and will be accepted as part of the game moving forward. Personal fouls are also no longer being penalized.

Some of the calls are still under review. The Democrats are calling for an illegal block and an offside (or is it offshore?) call against Romney for withholding tax records. The Republicans believe the Obama should be called for illegal formation and encroachment with Obamacare.

The officials continue to penalize Bill Clinton, now in his 20th year as the Democrats’ quarterback, for illegal use of hands as he mingles with the cheerleaders on the sideline. Clinton continues to throw the flags right back at the officials, penalizing them for pass interference.

Both teams have come out with strong offensive lines early with the Democrats saying the private sector “is doing fine.” The Republicans countering by saying they “are not concerned about the poor.”

The Democrats also decided to tell small business owners they “didn’t build that” while the Republicans went with telling rape victims that “if it’s a legitimate rape, you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

The defensive lines, though not as strong, are plentiful. “We simply have not had enough time” and it “could have been even worse” if not for the plays run by the Democrats they explain.

“Governing a country requires different decisions than running a state,” said Republicans. “Tax records going back multiple years simply aren’t required,” they further said.

The line play, as always, continues ad nauseam for both teams and usually ends up being a push at the end of the day. But both sides seem genuinely excited by their line play this season.

While both teams have used wedges, which are supposed to be illegal, neither has made as many points as they think they have. Both team players who pass when we wish they’d run (Chris Christie and Hillary Clinton) and both teams have a lot of players running when we wish they’d take a pass. An all-out blitz is being called for in the fourth quarter and the zone coverage will try to force the opponent into a critical mistake.

Although the play clock is running down and both teams are rightfully being called for delay of game, it is still a tight battle that will come down to execution. You can’t have a lot of turnover on either team and expect to keep the consistency needed to get into the end zone and celebrate.

Perhaps when this game is over, both sides will agree to shake hands and agree to come together to make the league a better one. But we fear that there will simply be a terse exchange with neither team willingly leaving the field.

Here’s hoping the fans simply demand to hear more from the band and that we can start getting a much better completion rate from players on both sides.

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Jeff Byers has been the wrestling team’s traveling announcer since 1990.
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