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Jeff Byers: The Shadows Know

by on February 03, 2012 12:30 PM

So, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow again and now we’re stuck with another six weeks of winter.

Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but there are many other fore-shadowing events that have recently taken place with much less fanfare. We take a look at what will be happening in the future because only the shadow knows.

Did you know that Cael Sanderson saw his shadow, too? When Cael sees his shadow, it means Penn State wrestling fans must wait six weeks before celebrating another national championship.

The Paterno statue saw its shadow, too. That simply means a six-swoosh salute for Phil Knight.

Sara Ganim did not see her shadow because she has shed too much light on the situation. Her work continues to bring previously held secrets out of the shadows.

Elizabeth Goreham saw her shadow, meaning six more years until anything happens with the Fraser Center.

Barack Obama saw his shadow, but you have to realize George W. Bush did nothing to take care of the shadow when he was in office and Obama is trying to clean up the mess. The shadow could have become much longer if not for the actions of Obama.

Bill O’Brien saw Joe Paterno’s shadow and actually walked willingly into it and embraced it.  

Silas Redd saw his shadow meaning he’ll score six points for the Nittany Lions next fall — often.

Graham Spanier saw his shadow and gave it his unconditional support.

In the best interest of the university, the Board of Trustees has fired all involved for not telling them about this shadow and what it might mean. The Board is asking that the shadow please give them a call at its earliest convenience. The board would like to acknowledge each of its fellow members for doing a great job in the face of the adversity of this shadow.

Lanny Davis wants everyone to know that the Board is unanimous in its condemnation of the shadow.

Rodney Erickson saw his shadow, meaning six more town hall meetings. He promises to hold the shadow up to a higher standard and keep it in proper perspective.

Joe Battista saw his shadow, meaning that the Penn State Icers will be competing for a Big Ten championship within six years.

Kim Kardashian saw her shadow, meaning she’ll be in wedded bliss for six years. Make that six months. Okay, maybe six days.

Mike Tomlin saw his shadow, meaning that no matter who wins the Super Bowl on Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers will remain the only team with six Super Bowl trophies.

The State College school board saw its shadow, meaning six more months of in-fighting.  

Tom Corbett was told of allegations about the shadow so he convened a grand jury to investigate. He finds the allegations against the shadow credible but wants to make sure others have a chance to corroborate their stories. Charges are expected to be filed after he’s secured a second term in office.

The State College Borough Parking Office saw the parking meter’s shadow and fined it immediately.   

The State College Borough compliance officer saw his shadow and cited it for not having the proper permit.

Michael Mann saw his shadow and manipulated it so it fit his preconceived notions of what the shadow should be.

Pat Chambers saw his shadow and told it to play hard for 40 minutes, and while the shadow struggled from the field, it obeyed Chambers’ command.

Maggie Lucas saw her shadow and made it three.

The drum major saw his shadow, meaning six successful flips next season.

Chris Exarchos saw his shadow and that means six more months of belt-tightening with county government.

John Eich saw his shadow and realized that was all that was left of his former self.

Steve Jones saw his shadow and reminded us that in 17 of the last 31 years he’s seen his shadow, Penn State has won 42.3 percent of the games in which the players have also seen their shadows before the game when playing at home and shooting better than 60 percent from the free throw line in the final four minutes of regulation. Or something like that.

I saw Scarlett Johansson’s shadow, meaning sex more months, er, uh, six more months of ... uh, never mind.

Mike Poorman has five o’clock shadow — just sayin’.

Happy Valley saw its shadow and realized it’s time to step out of that shadow, let the light shine in and move forward with the knowledge that this will become an even better place to live. We will be on the lookout for shadowy figures.

Jeff Byers saw his shadow, meaning in seven more days he'll have another column and we can only hope it will be worth reading. 

Jeff Byers has been the wrestling team’s traveling announcer since 1990.
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Penn State, State College Noon News & Features: Friday, Feb. 3
February 03, 2012 12:00 PM
by Staff
Penn State, State College Noon News & Features: Friday, Feb. 3
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