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Jeff Byers: Tricks and Treats for Halloween

by on October 30, 2012 4:57 PM

Knock Knock?

Who’s There?

Oh, it’s little Mark Emmert - wow, that is quite the costume? Oh, I see, you are judge, jury and executioner. How cute. It is fun to pretend you are all-knowing and powerful, sure. Oh, you determined that you get to keep as much of the candy as you want? And the Nittany Lions don’t get their bowl? Geez, that doesn’t seem fair somehow. Well, we thought we’d give you the gift of music this year - an old school Culture Club CD for you.

Who’s this behind you? Oh, it’s Louis Freeh! Now, what are you supposed to be?

Oh, you’ve come dressed as Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Sure, I get it - you want to be an investigator who actually has credibility and trust. It must have taken you hours to get that costume together - somehow, though, you still don’t quite pull it off.

Hey, there’s that crazy John Surma. Sure, I recognize you through your clown costume big fella. What’s, that? Oh, you’re not in costume? Oh, dear, well that’s a little embarrassing. Here’s a little something for your bag from the Paternos down the street. Oh, you're not familiar with that little treat? Well, that’s a little something we call class, my friend. Hopefully, you’ll get some more of it in your bag soon.

Look at these little guys from North Carolina with their glasses and their suits. Oh, I get it, you’re pretending to be students. Well done, dear athletes, well done. Here are your Sugar Daddys, courtesy of the NCAA.

Oh, who is this coming up the sidewalk? Why, is that Michael Mauti - well, sure, the Incredible Hulk seems like the appropriate costume for you. And there’s Matt McGloin as Batman, using all of the resources in his utility belt. Great to see you guys. We only wish you and your fellow seniors could enjoy the treats in our bowl, but that bully Mark Emmert took it away earlier this evening.

Well, what are you, Rodney? Oh, I see, you’re Jimmy Carter - you pulled that off pretty well. Remember, Carter did a lot of good things after his presidency but boy, it was tough while he was in there. But things got better for him and those he served after his presidency.

Good heavens, look at this group - a whole group of President Barack Obamas? Who all is here - oh, I see you Karen Peetz and Dr. Dave Joyner and my goodness, it looks like most of the Board of Trustees. You are all going as Obama? Oh, I see your signs now - “Forward.” Very clever. Hey, who’s that little guy in the middle of all you Obamas? Oh, it’s Mighty Mouse - “here I come to save the day” - hey, I recognize you Anthony Lubrano. You stay safe tonight, you hear?

Now look at this coming up the sidewalk - now I don’t know who you are, but that is a brilliant Bill O’Brien costume. You look just like him. What’s that? Oh, it is you. You say you don’t know how to be anything else? Well, actually, that’s kind of refreshing. Reach into the basket and hopefully, you’ll find a prized recruit or two in there.

Oh, look here, we have Cael Sanderson dressed as the Roadrunner. And sure enough, right behind him are J. Robinson and Tom Brands in their Wile E. Coyote costumes. A few more Acme supplies going into those bags. Yes, it looks like another ring is your treat.

Wow, that is an elaborate costume - you look like Allen Iverson, Mr. Governor. What’s that - oh, I see - when you don’t have any answers, you just dress up like The Answer. OK, well, here’s a little treat for you from our next Attorney General Kathleen Kane. Why yes, Tommy, that does kind of look like a subpoena, doesn’t it?

Now, why aren’t you kids all dressed up and why do you look so sad? Oh, Penn State wouldn’t let you change out of your clothes?

Well, time to dole out the rest of our candy supply here:

Paige Raque and her family get all of our Hershey Kisses and Hugs this year.

Steelers wide receiver Mike Wallace gets our Butterfingers.

Joe Biden has the Snickers.

Jordan Hill gets our Crunch bars.

Good-N-Plenty to all the Penn State football players who stayed this season.

Lots of Goobers for the national media to share.

Cupcakes to all of the Big Ten football teams to be used next September.

And remember that Paydays are being given out by Penn State to anyone who asks so long as you agree to not ask questions and promise to Move Forward.

Stay safe and try to enjoy the treats while keeping an eye on those doing the tricking.

Recent Columns:

Jeff Byers has been the wrestling team’s traveling announcer since 1990.
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