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Penn State: Chuck Norris, Mitt Romney and Kim Kardashian All Love … Michael Mauti

by on September 29, 2012 11:47 PM

CHAMPAIGN, Ill. -- It has already been quite the year for Michael Mauti.

The Penn State linebacker recovered from his second ACL surgery, eulogized Joe Paterno and, with a little help from Bill O’Brien and Michael Zordich, almost single-handedly convinced the entire Nittany Lion football team to stick around.

So his performance in Penn State’s 35-7 victory at Illinois on Saturday shouldn’t have been a surprise. But it was:

Two interceptions, one of them returned for 99 yards, half of a sack, six tackles, a smashing stick of a poor punt returner, and the banging of his head against a locker before the game. Repeatedly.

His game was worthy of an ESPN Instant Classic. It also has changed Michael Mauti’s life.

In the few hours since the end of the game…

Tim Tebow wants to be Michael Mauti.

Chuck Norris wants his trainer to be Michael Mauti.

Silas Redd wishes he were still teammates with Michael Mauti.

Rod Erickson is being replaced by Michael Mauti.

The Creamery’s newest flavor is Michael Mauti Mocha Chip Blitz.

Penn State’s new place-kicker is Michael Mauti.

Mitt Romney just dropped Paul Ryan for Michael Mauti.

Then the GOP dropped Mitt Romney for Michael Mauti.

Bill O’Brien adopted Michael Mauti.

Emeril was replaced as the Bayou’s best chef by – Bam! -- Michael Mauti.

Rich Mauti’s seven-year NFL career has been erased and he is now only known as the father of Michael Mauti.

Kim Kardashian is dating Michael Mauti.

Sister Khloe dumped Lamar Odom for a chance with Michael Mauti.

Mother Kris wants to dump Bruce Jenner for Michael Mauti.

Cael Sanderson just called Michael Mauti.

Sean White wants the hair belonging to Michael Mauti.

So does Carrot Top.

Katy Perry kissed Michael Mauti.

Tim Beckman admitted he thought Ryan Nowicki was Michael Mauti.

Geno Smith said he was glad he didn’t have to pass against Michael Mauti.

All of Modern Family’s Emmys were given to Michael Mauti.

J.K. Rowling agreed to write another Harry Potter book, featuring Michael Mauti.

Every bar in town gave a free drink to Michael Mauti.

The Mayo Clinic renamed it the Anterior Cruciate Michael Mauti.

The Avengers tried to recruit Michael Mauti.

Tiger Woods added a new partner for the final round of the Ryder Cup, Michael Mauti.


The newest candidate on the Heisman Watch List is Michael Mauti.

(This column was written by Michael Mauti.)

Mike Poorman has covered Penn State football since 1979, and for since the 2009 season. His column appears on Mondays and Fridays. Follow him on Twitter at His views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Penn State University.
Next Article
Penn State Football: Nittany Lions Outplay and OutMauti Illinois, 35-7
September 29, 2012 5:44 PM
by Mike Poorman
Penn State Football: Nittany Lions Outplay and OutMauti Illinois, 35-7
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