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Today's Esther-ological Report, for Those Who Missed It

by on July 09, 2011 7:54 AM

I have always been drawn to people who can best be described as "characters."

Once, upon hearing my self-analysis, a colleague offered her own assessment: "Hah. You're a character magnet."

Perhaps. If so, the attraction – inevitable, as a law of physics – is not at all burdensome. Rather, it provides me with much amusement and, from time to time, something to write about.

I have been writing about one such character – my neighbor, Esther – on Facebook, posting her daily kernels of wisdom without the profanity she habitually uses as punctuation.

Esther, as I explained in a previous column, has a scanner, a cordless telephone and the cleanest sidewalk in town. It's clean because Esther spends much of her day sweeping it – sweeping and watching and, most importantly, listening. And she brightens my day, as I pass by on my way to and from work, with what she has heard and learned over her 82 years of hard, yet compassionate, living.

Playing on the myriad and unavoidable astrological online posts, I've called these nuggets "Esther-ology." And while I've been earning a living as a journeyman wordsmith for more than 30 years, I've received more positive responses from passing on these Esther-isms than almost anything, save, perhaps, for a few historical articles, I've written.

But not everyone who surfs the Internet lands on the sandy beaches of Facebook or Twitter. Robert "Bibby" Thompson for one. He's one of the leading citizens of the valleys – Penns and Happy – who prowls the Web for information about Penn State wrestling and his beloved San Francisco Giants, but has yet to discover the matchmaking opportunities afforded by the social media.

So, at the risk of repetition for my Facebook friends and offending others who are sensitive to – What shall we call it? – colorful language, here are some of my daily Esther-ological forecasts and reports I've posted over the past month or so for Bibby and others who may have missed them, to enjoy (or not).

Today's Esther-ology – passing along the wisdom of my neighbor while trying to mitigate the profanity:

  • You've got to stop and smell my posies, [expletive deleted] it.
  • If a guy offers to buy you a car and give you lots of other stuff, don't take it. It's probably his wife's and he's one of those [expletive] swingers, [expletive] it.
  • They patched a hole – out in the street. What a [expletive] racket. But you've got to patch the [expletive] holes. Maybe I'll sleep this afternoon.
  • That [expletive] loud bang last night woke me up, [expletive]. I think the neighbors were fighting again. I don't have no one to fight with except myself, and that won't do, [expletive] it.
  • Went to the eye doctor. He said, "You don't need no [expletive] operation. Can you see?" I can see the men. He said, "That's all that counts." You're [expletive] right that's all that counts, [expletive] it.
  • It's raining. I guess I'll run my sweeper. I've got to be on the go. I can't just sit still. It gets on my [expletive] nerves. I have to go, go, go. You're [expletive] right. I'm a go-go girl.
  • The garbage men visited me today. They hug me. I can't afford to pass up a hug, [expletive] it.
  • They're going to work on the road today. It's going to be a [expletive] of a mess. One-lane road ahead. That's the way it is, [expletive] it.
  • It's kind of a dreary day. But the sun's always shining on me. If I have to say it myself, [expletive] it.
  • I went to one eye doctor and he said I need glasses. I went to another one and he said I don't need no glasses; just use eye drops. I'll tell him where to shove those drops. I'm tired of getting the [expletive] run-around. I've got to stand up for myself, [expletive] it.
  • I figured out what I'm going to do with my glasses. They're just trying to make an [expletive] out of me. They just want to hear me [expletive]. We'll, they'll hear me, [expletive] it.
  • If you're not feeling good, you probably have what I had: lackanookie. You got to take care of that, [expletive] it.
  • [Expletive] big trucks. [Expletive] noise. [Expletive] dirt. But they have the ship stuff somehow. We don't have trains no more, [expletive] it.
  • Talked to a man up at the post office. A big man, so he is. I asked him if he's going to shoot off his firecracker for the Fourth of July. Maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I did, [expletive] it.
  • After I get my work done, I'm going to stay the [expletive] inside. The want it in the 80s today. That's too [expletive] hot. The men know if I'm inside, they toot when they go by, [expletive] it.
  • Love isn't free. No sir. It costs. It costs [expletive]-ish. I give it away, though, [expletive] it.
  • I think I'll run my sweeper today. I have a couple of loads of laundry to do. Work. Work. Work. I've been slaving away since 1947. I guess I'll keep working for a while, yet. Working and bitchin', [expletive] it.

Well, that's my neighbor, Esther – working, bitchin' and making me smile – and a collection of Esther-ological reports. More to come on Facebook and Twitter.

Rich Kerstetter is managing editor of Follow him on Twitter at or get news updates via Facebook at Rich can be reached at [email protected] or at (814) 238-6201 Ext. 135.
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