I was supposed to follow the rat snake.
I had driven to Harrisburg last Friday to tell the world, or at least the segment of the world that tunes in to ABC27’s “Good Day, PA,” about my new book, “Among the Woo People: A Survival Guide for Living in a College Town” (guess which).
When I arrived, the good folks at “Good Day” ushered me into a conference room where I introduced myself to the other guests: three women from a boutique that donates 10 percent of its proceeds to various worthy causes, and the director of Penn State Hershey’s surgical weight loss program. (Zachary the rat snake waited in another room, which suited the boutique women just fine.)
“Oh, you’re the Author Profile,” they said.
Aw, shucks.
At the front of the conference room, the TV was not tuned to ABC, as one would expect, but to CBS, which was airing “The Price Is Right.” I didn’t know the show still existed, or that the host was Drew Carey. The older people in the room remembered when it was Bob Barker. But the really old person in the room – me – remembered Bill Cullen.
As night follows day, and the Author’s Profile follows the rat snake on daytime television, “The Price Is Right” was followed by “Jeopardy,” hosted eternally by Alex Trebek, though I remember all the way back to Art Fleming. I was having a tough time with the Harry Potter questions, but holding my own otherwise, when “Good Day, PA” host Amy Kehm greeted us, switched the TV to ABC and ushered the boutique women into the studio.
Moments later, there was Kehm on the TV, followed in short order by the three boutique women. I could have sampled a Mexican lunch buffet while waiting for my close-up, but I decided that the look of my necktie would not be enhanced by a drizzle of tomatillo sauce.
Instead I prepped for my interview by re-reading the introduction to my book while keeping an eye on the flat-screen version of the boutique women, then Dr. Ann Rogers from the surgical weight loss clinic, and then Zachary the black rat snake, with his handler, Jesse Rothacker.
Zachary’s appearance was tied to the date, Friday the 13th, and to “this month of horrors,” as Amy Kehm put it. Rothacker, of Forgotten Friends Reptile Sanctuary, was there to debunk three popular legends about snakes:
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No, Zachary and his fellow rat snakes do not canoodle with rattlers and thereby augment the world’s population of venomous serpents.
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No, copperheads do not smell like cucumbers.
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No, pythons do not stretch out alongside their prey to measure whether they’ll be able to swallow their victims whole.
Though not quite in Alex Trebek’s league, Zachary was a seasoned TV performer and a repeat guest on “Good Day, PA.” Both he and Kehm were as cool as, well, cucumbers.
And then it was my turn. I set my book on a stand so that it would be ready for its close-up, mounted a stool next to Kehm and waited for the countdown.
It never came.
Instead, the pouty puss of President Trump appeared on the screen to tell us that he was not going to certify Iran’s compliance with that terrible no-nukes deal negotiated by his Kenya-born predecessor.
In one swell foop, our rat snake-in-chief had simultaneously sent diplomats across the globe into a tizzy while depriving residents of the Susquehanna Valley of the opportunity to hear some pointy-headed Penn State prof tout his contribution to world literature.
The three-hour roundtrip to Harrisburg would not be in vain, however. For one thing, the GDPA folks recorded the interview instead of airing it live. The plan is to tuck it into this Friday’s show — unless the White House again decides that some other pearl of presidential wisdom simply must be bestowed upon the American people without delay.
Kehm confided that she’ll have to remember to wear the same dress this Friday that she wore last Friday so that my recorded segment will mesh with the live stuff. Viewers who like noticing things like Ben-Hur’s wristwatch will want to keep a sharp lookout for any accessory variation.
The other reason the trip to the state capitol was not wasted: I got to go to Midtown Scholar, which is the best bookstore within 100 miles of State College. And then, on the ride home, I was able to traverse the Seven Mountains while sucking down a chocolate shake from the Red Rabbit.
There is no better cure for being pre-empted by the president. In fact, a Red Rabbit shake might be the drug that gets me through the next three years of Trump, assuming he lasts that long.
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While we’re on the subject: “Among the Woo People: A Survival Guide for Living in a College Town,” is now available from Penn State University Press. You can find it here: https://www.psupress.org/books/titles/978-0-271-07971-4.html
