Looking Out for No. 2

In keeping with the standard practices of the motion picture and television industries, I’m providing this disclaimer: the following material may be suitable for mature audiences only. In fact, I’m hoping mature audiences pay attention to it because there is a lifesaving message at the end. 

In September 1972, a groundbreaking album was released that went on to have such a cultural impact that years later it was added to the National Registry of the Library of Congress. At the time I was a newly-minted teenager who was not at all cool or trendy, so it wasn’t until the following year that news of this hip record first came to my attention. George Carlin’s “Class Clown” was a comedy hit and included the now infamous routine titled, “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.”

I’ll dispense with typing those seven words here, because many of you probably know them (if not, google “seven dirty words”), and it’s only the first word we’re interested in here anyway. The word that rhymes with “hit” and starts with an “s”. 

And there you have it. Today we’re here to talk about poop. 

Yes, the s-word. Something almost every single human in the country and on the planet does on a daily basis. Something that on one level is such an objectionable bodily function that we’ve coined dozens of euphemisms and slang terms to refer to it without saying it. There are so many code words for this activity that you’re probably thinking of one or two of your own right now. 

The act itself is one of the accomplishments of childhood for everyone in this country on their journey to adulthood. Take your first step, say your first word, and use the potty for the first time. Although for those of us who went to public schools, I know many people who learned this critical skill, then navigated their entire K-12 education without ever once using a school toilet for that purpose. 

In more linguistic terms, the verb version of the s-word means to defecate, while the noun version of the word refers to feces. Or, medically, if you are admitted to a hospital, one of the conditions of your release might be that you need to void first. Which presumes that while doing so you don’t cause yourself an eponymous “commode code.” An abstract in the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine from 2018 suggests that cardiac arrests while toileting may account for 5% of all arrests in an in-hospital setting, and 8-10% of cardiac arrests outside a hospital. 

And if for some reason you are unable to perform this bodily function, the pharmaceutical industry is right there to help you out.  Benefiber, Citrucel, Dulcolax, Fibercon, Fleet’s, Metamucil, Milk of Magnesia, etc. Over $6 billion worth of laxatives were sold last year in this country because up to one-out-of-five people suffer from chronic constipation. And projections are that market will grow to over $10 billion by the year 2030 due to our eating habits. 

Medically, the s-word also has a mental aspect in addition to the physical act. Sigmund Freud, commonly referred to as the founding father of psychoanalysis, wrote that personality development in children happens in five psychosexual stages: oral, anal, phallic, latency and genital stages. According to Freud, the anal stage generally occurs from 1-3 years of age when the child derives great pleasure from defecating. Conflicts during this period can result in a person becoming an anal-retentive personality who hates mess, is obsessively tidy, punctual, respectful of authority and tight-fisted with their cash and possessions. Or an anal-expulsive personality who is messy, disorganized, rebellious, gives things away and wants to share things with you — in essence, “share their s***.”  

The entertainment industry gets great use out of the s-word and its associated activities. From language in movies to depictions of bodily-fluid incidents, toilet humor is a staple of almost every comedy. Even children’s television can provide an opportunity for a profanity-free look at the topic, such as “The Magic School Bus” episode “For Lunch” when one of the characters swallows a miniaturized bus with his classmates on it, and they take a trip through his digestive tract. The bus ends up in the large intestine where the walls suck up all the liquid, leaving solid matter and a foul stench. The teacher suggests leaving the intestine the way the waste does, but the class decides to go back out the way they came in, sparing the TV audience more toilet humor.

Social media is a treasure-trove of s-word usage, and because our electronic devices are capable of transmitting graphics as well as text, emoticons and emojis are very popular ways to add emotional expressiveness to written communication. And what is one of the most popular graphics people use to enhance their electronic communications? A smiling pile of poo, what else!?

All of which is to say that there is a lot to say about the s-word. And I haven’t even scratched the surface of the topic. Where were the first toilets? How have humans dealt with waste over the centuries? How the tradition of men walking on the street side of a sidewalk when walking with a woman started (to shield her from getting waste dumped on her from above before indoor plumbing, or splashed by sewage from the street). What mechanisms different cultures use for the act (sitting toilet vs. squatting toilet), or for cleaning after the act (paper vs. bidet).  Is there a discharge composition that indicates better health (fluffy floaters vs stinky sinkers)? And on and on. 

Finally, to quote Jeff Goldblum’s character in the movie The Big Chill, “Well, where I work we only have one editorial rule. You can’t write anything longer than it takes your average person to take an average crap.” And I’m perilously close (or past!) that length now. So here’s the point of all this s-word focus. 

At the beginning of this column I said that pooping is something almost every single human on the planet does on a daily basis. Almost. The Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation estimates that 1 in 500 Americans live with an ostomy, a surgically created opening in the body for the discharge of body waste. With a population of 332 million Americans that’s over 650,000 people in this country with ostomies. And a prime reason for having an ostomy is colorectal cancer.

But colorectal cancer is also deadly. According to the CDC, in 2019 there were 142,462 new colorectal cancers reported and 51,896 people died from colorectal cancer. It’s the fourth most deadly cancer. But, the CDC also points out that the five-year survival rate when it’s discovered in a localized stage – not having spread outside the colon or rectum – is 88%. And the survival rate is 71% when discovered in a regional stage – having spread only to nearby lymph nodes, tissues, or organs. So detection is vital. There are a number of screening test options adults aged 45 to 75 can undergo to help identify colorectal cancer: stool tests, flexible sigmoidoscopy, CT colonography and colonoscopy. 

If you are one of the mature members of the audience who read this far and has not been screened for colorectal cancer, do your family and friends a favor and speak to your doctor about when to get a screening, which test to use, and how often to get tested. I know of whence I speak as my sister died from colorectal cancer in July. Because as s-word as the s-word can be, the nice thing about the s-word is being alive to do the s-word.