Why must you be such an angry young man when your future looks quite bright to me?
— “Fooling Yourself (The Angry Young Man),” Styx, 1977
Do you ever find yourself getting angry over things that just really don’t matter or things you have no control over? What do you do when you feel your inner volcano about to blow its top? Do you internalize it? Do you let it fester, then get to the proverbial “last straw” and boom, you go Vesuvius on someone?
I can’t deny that I have what we jokingly refer to as the “Battista anger gene.” I have had it all my life, that stereotypical hot-blooded Italian with a type A personality who can snap at any moment. I’ve rarely tried to deny it, because it’s just plain true.
I have tried many strategies over the years, including a time with a therapist for anger management. As I grew older, I thought that getting control of my anger streaks would get easier. Well, that didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped. Everyone around me just attributed it to my passion, my high-energy, type A personality. There is certainly evidence that I inherited it from my father’s side of the family. Some of my relatives certainly exhibit that fire-breathing Italian temper.
I must admit that I could have done a much better job of developing the coping skills to control that “Mr. Hyde” temper of mine. Thankfully I have enough of my mom’s genes in me that I never went completely off the deep end. Well, in full disclosure, there were more than a few physical altercations from my younger days and a few knock-down-drag-out meetings during my career.
If you are like many of us with the “anger gene” you have probably tried your share of solutions. How about some situational awareness, discernment, wisdom and perspective?
How about a dose of humor to go along with a spoonful of patience and poise. Can you laugh at yourself? That’s actually easy for me. I tell friends and family you get no points for dissing me; I’m too easy a target! How many times have you gotten off-kilter when a simple smile and chuckle could have helped a small issue dissipate instead of escalating into something regrettable? Oh yes, I could make mountains out of mole hills in my day. We’re talking Rocky Mountain High, Mount Everest level from some temporary moment of anger that in many situations was my own fault.
I wish I could take back so many of the mean-spirited things I have done or said or written to people in my life who deserved better — whether it was a road rage incident or arguing over some petty issues, or perhaps taking out frustrations on the very people who loved me the most. All I can do now is keep trying to improve every day and ask for forgiveness, as undeserved as it may seem, from those of you who I offended.
Like most of us, I’m a work in progress. I wholeheartedly believe I can help the next generation of coaches, supervisors, parents and students to understand and deal with their anger in a better way than I did. Why? Because I lived it, and while it took me way too many years to admit I had a serious issue, I have found better ways to control my outbursts.
I hear it all the time from coaches how “soft” many kids are today. Well, that may indeed be the case sometimes, but we adults must factor in that we didn’t have to battle the digital distraction devices and the social media menace these kids are exposed to today. I’m not advocating that we go easy on kids 100% of the time. Heaven knows some of these kids really do need to toughen up a bit.
But instead of writing them off, we need to help them with the aforementioned coping skills. We can work with them on their focus. We can teach them to meditate and to learn breathing techniques, to go on a walk or to excuse themselves from a tense meeting to throw some cold water on their face to literally cool down. We can help them develop the discipline to “unplug” or to use YouTube videos in a productive way, using vetted videos that come highly recommended from experienced coaches and teachers. We can, if needed, encourage them to seek professional help.
We can also pray and spend more time seeking God’s wisdom. Although I was brought up in a Christian family and attended church regularly, I wish I had been better at practicing my faith and actually living a more Christian-like life. Many former players and work colleagues wished I would have as well! A lot of the peace and joy that I missed out on then, while regrettable, is still within grasp, and I want to share that calming influence with others.
I recently spent time with a former player in Minneapolis. I’ve known Penn State alumnus Geoff Martha since 1982 when he was a youth hockey player in Greensburg. I worked for his uncle Paul Martha, a Pitt Panther and NFL standout who became the president of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Geoff’s father, Rich, and I were part of a group that helped found the Pittsburgh Amateur Penguins Travel Hockey program. Geoff was also a student-athlete at Culver Academy in Indiana, where I coached. He came to Penn State where he helped lead us to a league championship in 1989 and an ACHA national championship in 1990. Geoff was one of the best student-athletes in Icer history.
I was really hard on Geoff, at times way too hard. I held him to an almost unreasonable standard because I believed in my heart that he could handle it, and I could reach the team through him. By his senior year at Penn State, he was not only our team captain, but also president of our Hockey Club and heavily involved with academic and leadership organizations in the Smeal College of Business while handling the rigors of the University Scholars program. The young man was simply destined for greatness and none of us involved with Geoff is surprised that today he is the CEO of Medtronic, the largest medical technology company in the world.
“Moe,” as many of us still know him, and I shared a good chuckle over the old days at Penn State and he recalled how his family and friends would ask him “why is your coach always on your case?” Well, I wish I had done a better job of explaining to him that it was actually a compliment that I stayed on him as hard as I did, and how much respect and admiration I had for him. My wife even remembered one of my prime axioms from my coaching days: “If Joe’s yelling at you, then you have nothing to worry about. You should be worried when he’s not talking to you!”
In retrospect, I wish I had listened more and talked less with my players, and certainly to my mentors. I don’t think admitting that you might have done some things differently is a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of growth as a person and a leader. I have been blessed to have been around so many great coaches and athletes in my day and enjoyed a lot of success on and off the ice. But I didn’t always handle things as well as I could or should have, and I feel a calling to assist others to be better than me.
As a coach, I was simply over the top at times. I had grown up in the latter stages of the Vince Lombardi/Bobby Knight era of coaching. I believed most of my players understood that I deeply cared for them as people first, students second and as hockey players third. I believed that I possessed the ability to compartmentalize. In retrospect, I had less control over my anger than I thought. I unintentionally hurt people — players, staff, officials, family and friends. In fact, my wife tells me that my permanently deep and raspy “coach’s voice” is really referee’s revenge!
Personally, I have committed to being a godlier person. I have joined the South Coastal District of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes as an Ambassador, so I will get to put my money where my mouth is and bare my soul to a new generation of coaches and athletes. I have a lot of people helping me and supporting me in this new “coaching” role. I am continuing my battle to control my anger gene and, hopefully helping others to do the same.
“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and whoever rules their spirit, more powerful than one who conquers a city.”
—Proverbs 16:32
