For the recent celebration of Valentine’s Day, love was at its core. The Greeks had at least six different words to describe love:
■ Agape — love extended to all
■ Eros — sexual passion
■ Ludus — playful love
■ Philautia — self-love
■ Philia/storge — friendship/love within a family
■ Pragma — mature love
If you’ve lost a love in any of these categories, Valentine’s Day might have been a painful holiday for you. It’s a pain our culture doesn’t recognize. Not only do you miss your loved one, but all the hype may make you feel forgotten.
What can you do? You can remember with love every day, not just Valentine’s Day.
■ Remembering the person
According to author, educator and grief counselor Alan Wolfelt, remembering the person who died is one need of a mourner. You’ve moved from a relationship of presence to one of memory and you want to spend time there. Some may try to discourage you from remembering for fear it will cause pain. However, it is the memories of the past that help you hope and open to the future. This remembering becomes a problem only when you get stuck there and don’t balance it with engaging in the present. Professional counselors can help with this.
■ Remembering with love
Remembering with love is authentic, truthful and realistic. You remember your loved one for who they were in the happy and the hard times. Although you may experience sadness, anger, love and other emotions when doing this, it helps you move through your grief.
Janice Whitaker, whose husband of 35 years, Larry, died last April, had this to say about remembering with love: ‘I’m not a fan of the term ‘closure’. Although my husband has passed, our life together was filled with so much love, wonderful memories — and some tough times, too — and plans for our future as a family. He will be missed every day, as a husband, father, family member and friend to many.
‘This profound loss touches us all as we attempt to find meaning and peace, adjusting to so many aspects of life without him. As we move through our grief journey and begin to experience joy and hope again at times, his absence is felt, as well as his love.”
■ Experiencing grief and gratitude
In the book ‘Grieving With Your Whole Heart: Spiritual Wisdom and Practice for Finding Comfort, Hope and Healing after Loss,’ Linda Douty suggests the ‘Ritual of the Rose’ to help you remember with love.
In this ritual, you take a long-stemmed rose with thorns and stand by a body of water. Next, you bring memories of your loved one to mind. For every positive memory, take a petal and toss it in the water. For every unpleasant memory, toss in a thorn. When the stem is bare, toss it in to symbolize a letting go — not of your loved one, but of the hold those memories have on keeping you from participating fully in life now.
Perhaps there is another ritual that speaks to you. The archaic origin of the root word of bereaved means to break, split or tear. The root of the word ritual means to fit together. Bereaved and ritual go hand in hand.
Koch Funeral Home is offering one such ritual for the bereaved. ‘Remembering With Love’ will be held at 3 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 18, at Mountain View County Club, 100 Elks Club Road, Boalsburg.
As George Eliot said, “Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.” Your love lives on and will be recognized in a tribute video of those who died and were cared for by Koch in 2017. If your loved one is not included in this category, you are welcome, too. Just provide a name and digital image when you RSVP with the number of family members attending. We will also have a candle lighting, name-reading ceremony and moment of silence. Light refreshments will be served.
One of the needs of mourners is to search for meaning and purpose in life; a death causes those left behind to question their values and philosophies. This questioning can lead to the desire to ‘make it matter.’ On Monday, March 12, Koch will hold its Monday’s Moment Complimentary Luncheon, “Make It Matter,” from noon to 1:30 p.m. at the Courtyard by Marriott, 1730 University Drive, State College.
At this gathering, organizers will discuss ways to ‘make it matter’ in honor of lost loved ones. Space is limited for both events. For
‘Remembering With Love,’ RSVP by noon Friday, Feb. 16, and for ‘Make It Matter, RSVP by Wednesday, March 7 to jackie@jackiehook.com, (814) 404-0546 or the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Hook is a spiritual director and celebrant at Koch Funeral Home in State College.
