‘It takes a village to raise a child” remains just as true today as it did many decades ago. And, it is important that the village is equipped with the tools needed to teach and model values and behaviors the villagers (home, school, community) deem to be important life skills and attributes. A healthy village can be created by following these five steps:
■ Share a common language
Sharing a common language is not requiring all villagers to speak English, but rather having similar words or phrases when speaking with kids so they understand the rules or expectations in all settings.
For example, some schools implement three rules — we are safe, we are respectful and we are kind. These schools teach all students what these behaviors look like in all settings of the school day. The children know what these three rules or expectations mean, and all adults in the school building are speaking the same language.
■ Implement and reinforce
Once all adults are on the same language page, schools should continuously teach and reinforce expected behaviors in all settings. For example, students can earn tickets for exhibiting the expected behaviors, then trade them in for things such as eating lunch with the school principal, earning an extra five minutes of recess or being able to choose an additional book for the week at library.
Are these bribes? No. Bribery refers to illegal transactions. Are these incentives? Absolutely. Do adults work toward incentives? Well, let’s put it this way: Would you continue to work without earning a paycheck?
■ Keep the common language going at home
Remember, it takes a village. If possible, use the same language at home with your child. At home, we are expected to be safe, be respectful and be kind, and this is what it looks like here.
Some parents wish to continue to implement the ticket system or a behavior chart at home in which their children can “cash in” to earn incentives for exhibiting behavioral expectations. For example, in our home, one way that we are safe is keeping our surroundings clean. We know that clutter can lead to accidents. As a result, we keep our bedrooms safe by cleaning up after ourselves. Completion of this daily chore earns a specified amount of payment per day.
See Dr. Laura Riffel’s website, www.behaviordoctor.org, for free or inexpensive incentive ideas to use at home or school.
Remember to keep your shared language simple; the shorter the better, especially for our younger children.
■ Communicate
Convey this common language to other important adults in your child’s life, including babysitters, grandparents, relatives and neighbors.
Communication also can occur through modeling. This happens when others observe you speak and interact with your child and student.
■ Enjoy your child and solve problems
Hopefully, a clear, consistent home and school environment has freed up your time. But, if behavioral concerns persist, review your expectations at home or school.
Have you spent enough time teaching these behavioral expectations? If not, plan to re-teach. Have you been consistently reinforcing these behavioral expectations? (I have suggested four positives to one negative in previous articles.)
Problem-admiring statements, such as “my child won’t follow rules” or “he is a bad kid,’ are really not helpful and can lead to a negative global view of a child. Problem solving involves ensuring that a child’s foundational skill needs are met. If not, then we need to adjust. If the needs are being met, we need to plan on what the next steps should be.
Sometimes, simple steps such as additional practice of the behavioral skill/expectation in the home or school will do the trick.
For example, ‘Charlie Brown’ leaves paper towels on the floor after washing his hands at school. The teacher could individually review the rules with Charlie, indicating that paper towels are to be tossed in the trash bin. She may also choose to reinforce with Charlie the need to toss his trash in the bin and follow the school expectation — “being safe” by keeping the floor clean of debris.
If needed, parents and teachers can seek out the expertise of other “village members,” such as school psychologists or behavioral specialists who are trained in behavioral management. These professionals can provide support to parents and schools.
Together, your child’s own village will be communicating behavioral expectations more clearly and will be more in sync.
