It kept me awake all night. What if the new baby doesn’t fit in? What if her personality isn’t a match for our family? Will there be jealousy? What will happen if I like one more than the other? What if I have a favorite?
We’ve added a new puppy to the Kleban household. Chaos reigns again.
Our 13-month-old black Labrador retriever has been a breeze. She has done very little damage to the house, was potty-trained with minimal effort and has a wonderful personality. All she needs is a tennis ball and a full belly, and she is happy. When our breeder called us to let us know that they changed their mind about placing the last little girl from their most recent litter, I jumped at the chance to bring another puppy into the house.
My husband is convinced it’s either my pending empty nest syndrome or early onset dementia.
The process of deciding to bring another canine into the house was surprisingly not unlike the decision to have more children. After the successful arrival and inclusion of the first one into the family, it feels, as they say, like someone is missing. We know what our lives are like right now yet we take a chance that everything will be somehow richer or fuller with the addition of just one more. It involves processing, negotiation and ‘there is no going back.’
Weighing the doubled expenses, the time commitment and responsibilities of owning two pets, and the exponential number of piles in the back yard, the bigger concern is ‘what if it throws off the household equilibrium?’
What if I like one more than the other? Is there really such a thing as a favorite?
Family relationships researcher Ellen Weber Libby has studied the favorite child phenomenon. She asked parents and kids about the ‘Mom likes you best’ syndrome that sometimes rears its head in families with more than one child. She examined the impact of parents admitting that they favor one child over the other children as well as how favoritism impacts the Golden Boy or Girl. Her research looked at self-perceptions of favorite and next-best children when they become adults. Dr. Weber Libby theorizes that because of variables like looks, similarities in interests or personality, and so forth, it is not uncommon or unreasonable for parents to sometime favor one child over the other.
Other research has supported the theory that playing favorites is human nature. If a parent likes football and one of his kids likes football, he may theoretically show preference to that child versus his kid who plays the flute. Personality traits, physical traits, abilities or disabilities, and even birth order have been linked to favoritism.
One researcher tried to prove the favorite child theory by pointing to a species of beetles that, in his mind, has family structure similar to humans. That guy tried to say that because these bugs like their oldest kids more than the youngest ones, human parents could therefore do the same. HUH? Animals also leave their sickly offspring to die and sometimes eat their young.
As the owner of two puppies and three children, I think the favorite child as a natural phenomenon is a boatload of bunk.
With the birth of each of our three children, my husband and I felt exponentially blessed. Each has his or her own personality and ways of interacting within the family and outside of our house. They have different strengths and struggles, differences in what makes them laugh, and varied goals and dreams. Our parenting is not always the same based on those differences but our values, discipline and unconditional love for them is equal. At any given moment, depending on their stage of development, I may not particularly like one of their behaviors but I do not – could not – love one less or more than the other. More importantly, I could never show preferential treatment to any of our brood – including those with four legs.
According to the research, the children who aren’t favored are sometimes more independent but can harbor resentments and negative self-esteem. Some favorite children develop feelings of enhanced self-worth and therefore report greater personal and professional successes while others have difficulty finding the status and regard that was offered in the home and spend their adult life manipulating and being deceitful to try to recreate it.
The conclusions of all of this favorite child research suggest that having a favorite child is not a good thing for individuals or for family relationships. Truly healthy parenting means loving and valuing each child equally.
I remember the story about the mother who, after learning her diagnosis was terminal, wrote a letter to each of her children, to be read in private and only after she had passed on. In each of the letters, she wrote of that child’s individual traits and gifts and said ‘You were always my favorite, but don’t tell your siblings.’ At the funeral, each child sat smiling with the knowledge that he or she was special in Mom’s eyes.
Like that mother, each of my children – and my puppies – is my favorite.
Even if I’m tending to a sick kid or a boyfriend break-up or a problem at school, I can still help with another’s skinned knee or a homework assignment. More importantly, when one shines, his or her glow is not too bright to make me squint when looking at the others, nor does it dim a sibling’s glow in any way. Favorite-schmavorite.
Belle, the new puppy, is a lot of work but makes up for it in cuteness and by taking a lot of naps. Ashley, the older dog, is happy to have the new girl as a playmate and seems like way less work than she did just a few weeks ago. She waits patiently while we tend to the new baby and proudly hops up on the bed to go to sleep (with the puppy relegated to the crate on the floor). They bring smiles to our faces in their own ways and we couldn’t imagine life without either of them.
Do I have a favorite? No way.
