Ah, springtime in Happy Valley.
I’m told by those in the know the vernal equinox marking the arrival of spring in the northern hemisphere officially occurred at 6:28 a.m. EDT last Monday, March 20. I had to be told by those in the know because my trusty Penn State Alumni Association calendar didn’t have “First Day of Spring” printed on it. So I darn near missed it because our beloved groundhog – no, not the one addicting you to gambling, the one from Punxsutawney over in Jefferson County – correctly prognosticated six more weeks of winter back on Feb. 2. Which explains the 10 inches of snow we got two weeks ago when even Penn State closed down for a day. Pretty smart rodent, that Phil.
Luckily we are now officially beyond that six-week window and I got to start spring cleaning this weekend – beginning with vacuuming out the mini-van. Once completed I dumped out the shop-vac for the first time in months – whew, what a collection of dirt. Which made me think I should finally dump out the column ideas I’ve been collecting that I will never use. In most cases the ideas are just too small – they won’t expand to an entire column. But dumping those ideas together at the same time would create a complete column. And so here it is – my spring cleaning of column ideas that will never become full columns.
Man-buns. A good friend suggested I take on this topic a long time ago but I’ve never been able to work up the proper level of loathing for the practice. Yes, I think they are usually unsightly. No, I don’t understand why anyone would gather their hair in such a manner. Yes, I’ve tried it and gosh was it nasty-looking. If you want short hair, cut it. If you want long hair, let it flow. And if you’re an athlete, wear a headband. Bjorn Borg rocked one back in the day and he was as good as they get and had hair longer than many women. Just don’t pull it back into a scruffy looking ball on the back of your head.
Term limits. The President of the United States is term-limited to eight years. I know, there are many who currently wish it was eight seconds. But putting that aside, many other federal, state and local offices have no term limits. People get elected and then keep getting elected. They become politicians. They’re no longer a [insert job title] who happens to be an elected official, their job is politics. Now, we may think the derogatory meaning of the word “politician” is a recent phenomenon, but Merriam-Webster assures us politician has had the secondary meaning of ‘a person primarily interested in political office for selfish or other narrow usually short-sighted reasons’ since it entered the English language in the 16th century. So, if eight years is good enough for the highest elected office in the land, let’s use that for every elected office in the country – and locally. And try to get a little more of We The People into We The Government.
Shawarma. My kids and I have enjoyed our fair share of action movies over the years. Many of them, especially ones from the Marvel comic-book catalogue, will run a scene at the very end of the movie. The very end. After all the credits have rolled. If you’ve seen “The Avengers” you know (and if you haven’t seen it you will know now) that this scene shows the heroes, after saving the world from destruction, sitting quietly around a table in a nondescript. debris-strewn New York diner, because Iron Man got everyone in the film to agree to hit a good Shawarma restaurant he knows in the neighborhood. Here’s the catch: I thought they made up Shawarma. Turns out we were in Washington, D.C., a few months ago and around the corner from the hotel was an eatery that served Shawarma. And the kicker – it’s fantastic. You learn something new every day. (And you can get Shawarma here in State College at Pita Cabana.)
Two-lane roads. Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners, has said, “We have two regulatory systems: legal and etiquette. The legal system prevents us from killing each other. The etiquette system prevents us from driving each other crazy.” Out here in beautiful Happy Valley we have a bonanza of two-lane roads which exist in places that could be described as “the middle of nowhere,” but not very far from somewhere. When driving one of these roads and seeing another vehicle close to me in my rearview mirror, I have taken to finding the first safe turn-off on the road, and using it. Once the vehicle behind has passed, I continue on my way. I don’t know if that qualifies as legal or etiquette, but it keeps me happy.
Hitchhiking. Technology has brought hitchhiking back into vogue by morphing it with on-demand car service rides. Back in the days before cellphones and the internet, it was a semi-regular occurrence to see someone standing by the side of the road with their thumb up, giving the universal signal, “I need a ride.” The understanding was it was free but you could offer a dollar or two for gas (when gas cost 30 cents a gallon). Now you just touch an icon on your smartphone to give the signal, then see if the price is right.
Brotherhood of Man. Years ago I was bartending at the Phyrst on the same night a well-known folk-singing group was playing a concert at Eisenhower Auditorium. Ernie Oelbermann, the owner of the Phyrst, was attending the concert, met the group and invited them down to the Phyrst for a couple of drinks. In what was an early brush with celebrity I chatted with one singer and asked him how he dealt with all the traveling and the disconnected lifestyle. His response? Different days, different places; same people, same faces. Thirty-five years later I think I get it.
Over-engineering. The keyboard on which I am typing this has 15 screws on its underside holding it together. For a keyboard 17 inches wide by 5 inches deep – that’s 85 square inches. Which equals one screw for every 5.6 square inches. I think that’s a higher density than is required on airplanes.
And there you have it, my spring column cleaning is done. I wish you the best in accomplishing your own metaphorical spring cleaning.
