Dear Penn State Freshmen…

Dear Penn State freshmen: Welcome to State College! You made an excellent choice by spending a summer in town.

I myself spent four summers here as a student, so I’d like to think I know a little something about making the most of it. Let me offer you a bit of advice. It will be in plain text. Do not read the italicized text. Promise? OK then.

You probably have a few questions that you were afraid to ask during freshman orientation. How bad are the dorms, really? Where are the best parties? How easy will my classes be? How much trouble will I get in if I [insert rule-breaking action here]?

To those involved with orientation: It’s not you; it’s them. You’re the first position of authority freshmen encounter, so they’re often a little skeptical when you encourage them to “ask you anything.”

First, let’s talk about your classes. You’re probably only taking about two classes, especially if you’re part of LEAP, and they’re going to be much easier than you think. Chances are you’ll still struggle.

Your parents have probably told you to spend three hours studying for every one hour you spend in the classroom. Your high school counselor told you to read every book your teacher mentions, whether or not it’s on the syllabus. I’m telling you: At least do the work.

The warm weather will coax you out of that textbook and into the sunshine, and that’s OK, but don’t think you can come up with a clever excuse for why your assignment is late. Chances are the teacher’s heard that one a million times, and no you cannot make it up.

To the summer faculty: The more details there are in the excuse, the more likely it is that they’re made up.

When it comes to test time, there’s a chance your head will be full of more World Cup than world history, and you will panic. The easy answer: cheat.

I won’t lecture you on your moral obligation to take the test on your own. I won’t tell you to man up and just take the test with an empty head. I won’t tell you that will definitely get caught. But you might. And cheating on a test, a paper…anything…can earn you an F for the semester. It can get you kicked out of the school. Don’t be an idiot.

To the judicial board: Nobody takes notes on rubber bands and “accidentally” wears it on his wrist during the exam. Not sure what I’m talking about? Click here.

So if you survive your first day of class, it’s back to the dorm, your home away from home. Unless you have a doctor’s note, you don’t have air conditioning. It will get unbearably hot in your room. Invest in a) something to hang over your window and shut out all sunlight, b) several fans and c) Fla-vor-ice. Those things are solely responsible for one-third of my friendships made freshman summer, and they cost a couple of bucks for 50 or 100.

To downtown stores: Stock up on Fla-vor-ice.

Once your classes are finished (and you’ve completed all of your homework, of course), it’s time to celebrate. Don’t struggle too much with trying to find something to do. There are more than 1,000 other new freshmen, and all of them just want to meet people. Buy a Frisbee.

On nice days, the Pollock Quad will be packed with football-tossing, book-reading, nap-taking freshmen, so introduce yourself. Be confident.

To non-freshman students: Avoid hanging out by the freshman dorms, lest you be mistaken for a freshman.

Of course, when the sun goes down, the parties come up, and it’s no secret that the fraternities traditionally cater to the incoming class. These can be a great time and an even better place to meet people than in the quad.

We here at StateCollege.com do not condone underage drinking, but we strongly encourage safety. If you’re afraid doing something will get you in trouble with the cops or Penn State, it’s probably best to avoid it. If you’re afraid doing something will land you in the hospital, stop immediately.

Short of that, have fun. Go out and meet some of your future best friends. Discover a hidden store downtown (I get my coffee from W.C. Clark). Create a new game with strangers. Enjoy your classes. Be kind to your teachers; you never know when they’ll become references. Keep your dorm cool. Stay out of trouble.

Welcome to Penn State and State College.

To Joe Freshman’s parents: We’ll keep an eye on your precious child. See you during football season.