With today’s start of fall semester at Penn State, I remember fondly the days of dropping off my oldest two as they began their PSU careers. This year, it’s their younger brother’s turn. My youngest. The not-so-little brother. I find myself holding on a little tighter and, maybe just maybe, doing more than I should as we (oops, I mean he) makes the transition to “college student.”
It reminded me of the many parents with whom I have had interactions over the last 25 years as both a friend and neighbor and as a university faculty member. I see my friends and Facebook friends commenting on new roommates, dorm decorations and the pain of leaving their child at a college or university across the country or across town. I see them proudly sporting the colors of the various schools as their kids prepare to test those wings at the same time that they cling to the roots of family connection, values and respect.
I worry that some – including this writer – will be unable to let go.
The role of parents in the lives of our millennial students is quite different than it was even 10 years ago. With Facebook groups for parents of students of the “Class of…” and 40-member parent councils offering university administrators advice and guidance, parents of college students are more involved in their students’ lives than ever before. We have a Penn State Parents program and office whose sole mission is to interface with the parents of undergraduate students.
The days of dropping your kid off in August and then not seeing them until you pick them up for semester break, with the occasional call from the pay phone on the dorm floor, are long gone.
As a PSU parent and a faculty member, I might offer some advice on how to help your kids be successful while on campus.
At the top of the list: Give them some space.
Don’t call every day. Let them call you. Constant contact with you doesn’t let them engage with what is going on in their dorms or with their roommates or in class. Send cookies. Post on Facebook that you miss them. Buy the T-shirt that proudly says you are a Penn State Mom or Penn State Dad.
Try to let them figure things out on their own.
If they complain about their roommate, listen but don’t offer to intervene. The skills we learn from having a “bad” roommate or a roommate that doesn’t at first feel like a fit are the skills we use in life when a co-worker or a boss or the person who lives in the apartment next door isn’t a fit either.
When they stumble – and they will stumble – offer advice but don’t try to fix it for them. That first D on a quiz or points off a paper for grammar that cut it in high school may serve to motivate them to work harder and do better. Encourage them to meet with their advisor. Let them experience that amazing feeling they will get when standing on their own.
Send more cookies.
Don’t write their papers for them. Don’t pretend to be your son or daughter when you send an email to a faculty member. Don’t call the academic department if he or she doesn’t like his or her schedule or an instructor is too tough or if your cherub didn’t earn the As that he or she was used to in high school. College is tough and some majors are really tough and really competitive. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Praise them for their efforts.
Remind them that the decisions they make as young adults can define or haunt them for the rest of their lives. Remind them that alcohol is the root of many, many issues at a university.
Tell them to join something – anything. A club. The society for their major. A Greek organization or an intramural team. Making the university smaller by engaging in clubs or groups can not only create a social network but can be a great resume builder.
Encourage them to engage. Consider study abroad or one of the many co-curricular experiences that Penn State offers for learning out of the classroom. Tell them to schedule appointments with faculty members and to ask if there are research projects that need any help. Kids who are connected are those who stay and graduate.
Understand that your son or daughter is going to hear, see, read and maybe even learn to think things that are different from your opinions or perspectives. The depth and breadth of a college education means learning and growing in many different directions, including that which can sometimes make Mom and Dad uncomfortable.
If you have serious concerns about their safety, their mental health or even that roommate issue that escalates, work with your student to reach out to get help. It will empower them to begin to take control of their lives. We have amazing resources that can help and protect all students, and create a positive learning environment.
If they want to come home every weekend, gently urge them to take advantage of the many things to do and places to go and people to meet on a campus the size of Penn State. It gets easier and better with time. The old story of the parent who left their kid crying freshman year and leaves campus four years later with a crying senior who doesn’t want to leave is pretty accurate.
Finally, pat yourself on the back for the amazing job you have done in rearing a child who understands the importance of an education and who was accepted at a very competitive university. It’s okay to worry and to fret but know that the roots and the wings you have given them mean they are ready to start learning without you.
