Learning to Fly as a Parent Isn’t so Easy

The distraction of the summer? The robin’s nest right outside our front door.

We’ve been renovating a house that my husband bought before we were married – the house where we lived when we hatched our own first little bird.

A Mama robin built her nest in the crook of the down spout on the front porch. We were just about to knock it down when we realized there were eggs in the nest.

As we have been going in and out with buckets and hammers, ladders and paint, the cycle of life has gone on right outside the door. She sat on the nest and protected those eggs. After they hatched, she brought them food, kept the nest clean and kept a close eye on us.

Last week, we watched from inside the house as she helped them out when it was time to go. We were like excited grandparents when we caught a few glimpses of the babies later in the week, in the back yard, trying out their new flying skills.

The marvel of this tableaux taking place right outside our door was that she knew exactly what to do. No childbirth education classes or “What to Expect When You are Expecting.” No pre-natal visits or birth coaches. Innately, she just knew what to do.

If only it were that easy – and natural – for humans.

In Hagerstown Maryland last week, a 9 year old boy died after being beaten by his mother, uncle and mother’s boyfriend for eating a piece of his sister’s birthday cake without permission. Prior to the assault which resulted in his death, he had been handcuffed for hours, beaten with a bamboo stick and punched in the stomach by an adult. The physician’s said his injuries were consistent with torture.

A mother harming her child is unnatural.

We read about it here in Centre County too. A mother drops her infant in the hospital room and doesn’t call for assistance. Another goes to court for huffing chemicals from a spray can while she’s driving with her toddler in the back seat. A mother so high on drugs that she falls asleep while her babies are left unattended.

A robin can somehow signal her babies to tone down the peeping when a predator comes near and yet those allegedly higher on the food chain beat a child over birthday cake.

It appears that for some humans, parenting does not come naturally.

It is estimated that 57 percent of children in the United States suffer from some form of neglect and that 20 percent suffer from some form of physical abuse. Of the children who are abused, it appears that the youngest (those under the age of 3) are most at risk. Mothers abusing their children are culprits in 40 percent of the reported incidents whereas fathers working alone to abuse their kids represent 17 percent of the reported cases.

If you are a parent, you know it’s not easy. If you are a parent, you also know how damaging a word or a look or raised arm can be. If you are a parent, you know there are lines that should never be crossed.

Someone sent me a link this week to a blog that is called “Scary Mommy.” The writer who started the blog is a woman who wanted to share her fears about parenting and not being the perfect parent. Others have added to it with essays on the frustration of parenting an infant or toddler, the repetition and challenges of raising kids and teens and the self-doubts and fears that parents have that we are sometimes doing it wrong. The site includes a confessional page where people can anonymously share things they have thought or done to their children or spouses but could never share.

“I’m becoming someone who yells at their children.”

“I am worried that my three year old is not a nice person.”

“I just told my husband I had to go out and I drove around in the car for 40 minutes by myself and cried.”

The robin on the porch seems to have it much easier than her human counterparts.

At lunch with friends last week, we talked about the challenges of parenting. A toddler who screamed for 20 minutes because she wanted to get into the stroller herself. A teenager who doesn’t seem to be motivated to do anything but play video games. A daughter who thinks her mother is stupid and uncool. Another whose child already hates college and he just started in July. Memories of times that we lost our temper and crossed the line. Times we held them a little too tight in anger or yelled too loud.

Our words or our actions in opposition to what should be the natural parent-child interaction.

Parents with the benefit of education, resources, support systems and an understanding of the damage that our parenting slips can cause. Parenting made so much more difficult in situations where there is limited money or food or a safe place to live or with the horrors of addiction.

Does the mother robin understand the importance of her role and how her actions will shape what those little birds become?

A simple, yet beautiful interaction in nature got me thinking. Parenting over the long haul is tough business. Our ability to process information, experience frustration, love to the depths of our souls and worry about whether we are doing it right and our fears that we are screwing it up is tough stuff.

As we think about a little boy who ate a piece of birthday cake, we know that parenting isn’t for everyone.

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