Last night Wikileaks obtained what can only be described as shocking transcripts made by the NSA spying on communications between the on-field official at the Ohio State-Michigan game and Big Ten headquarters during the now famous fourth-and-1 overtime review. The news has shaken the nation at the highest levels.
Sources confirmed conspiracy-theory enthusiast/President-elect Donald Trump was ready to tweet about a rigged playoff system with his famous #DrainTheSwamp hashtag before someone pointed out that the University of Florida plays in the Swamp. (#DrainTheShoe was deemed “too gross.”)
But make no mistake, this transcript exposes those fateful few minutes in Columbus. The officials’ names were redacted for their safety following reports of anti-Big Ten militias wearing Harbaugh glasses and “Block M” hats forming in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.
Here is the Transcript:
Big Ten Office: “We should review that last spot.”
On-Field Official: “You think he was short? This could get interesting.”
Big Ten Office: “Let’s look at the big picture. If Ohio State loses they’re out of the College Football Playoff. If they win they’ve beaten Oklahoma and Wisconsin on the road and Nebraska and Michigan too. They only have one loss so they’re in.”
On-Field Official: “Why are you telling me this?”
Big Ten Office: “I just want to take up some time so that it looks like we are having a serious discussion about the actual play.”
On-Field Official: “OK but let me ask you this; after Penn State wins out won’t Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany have to grudgingly present them with the Big Ten Trophy just a few seasons after he unfairly tried to kill them with the supposedly crippling NCAA sanctions he was part of? When Delany gets announced the PSU fans in Indy will probably boo him.”
Big Ten Office: “It would’ve taken more than sanctions to destroy Penn State. Those people are just too strong. But Delany would love the respect of getting two Big Ten teams in the playoffs. PSU deserves a shot. Hell, how many times did we conspire to make calls for Michigan against Penn State over the years?”
On-Field Official: “I thought we were told never to talk about that.”
Big Ten Office: “Don’t worry, no one will ever hear this.”
On-Field Official: “But there’s no way to cover up this video evidence.”
Big Ten Office: “Don’t be so sure. Because of that stupid unofficial yellow line on TV the fans at home already think he made it. The yellow line is completely in front of the 15 yard line which is what he really needed.”
On-Field Official: “I see the ball hit his teammate and a Michigan player’s hand preventing the ball from making the 15… but it does break the yellow line.”
Big Ten Office: “The yellow line sells it to the fans at home. It’s not like some Zapruder film will show up to refute our story. Remember if OSU wins they’re in the playoff. Penn State will beat Michigan State and the PSU-Wisconsin winner could end up getting into the playoff.”
On-Field Official: “Explain how that would work while I pretend to review the play again.”
Big Ten Office: “OK, say Washington and Clemson win their conference titles. It seems they’re in. But if Clemson loses… then a second Big Ten team is definitely in. Let’s say Washington loses too.”
On-Field Official: “The Pac 12 champ gets in right?”
Big Ten Office: “Not necessarily. If the Pac 12 champ is Colorado they lost to Michigan. So maybe we get three teams in.”
On-Field Official: “That can’t happen can it?”
Big Ten Office: “With Condoleeza Rice on the committee I doubt it.”
On-Field Official: “She’s on that committee? Can she still call in drone strikes?”
Big Ten Office: “No. Stay focused. Look at the video and remember you can use our favorite crutch ‘no irrefutable video evidence.’ You know kind of if the gloves don’t fit……”
On-Field Official: “OK Johnnie Cochran, I get ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ but this seems pretty clear. If the call stays I’ll feel like the second shooter on the grassy knoll.”
Big Ten Office: “OK, but what is clear — if you overturn this, it is game over. If you don’t, Michigan can still stop them and force another OT. They’ve had numerous chances to put them away even though Ohio State’s defense has played lights out. While Harbaugh could probably take your head off with a football from 50 yards, remember there are 110,000 scarlet-clad people in the stadium and even more in the parking lot. If you’re lucky enough to get past that, the local authorities will have your picture out like it’s a manhunt. You won’t make it past the roadblocks they’ll set up on every highway out of town.”
On-Field Official: “So what are you saying?”
Big Ten Office: “You know what I am saying. You make the wrong call you’re out there on your own like Jason Bourne. There will be no way to bring you back in. We can’t protect you. What do you say?”
On-Field Official: “What do I say? I look up and I know what Custer felt like. If someone wants to overturn that call they can come in here and do it themselves.”
Big Ten Office: “Good. The people of Ohio and Pennsylvania will be eternally grateful.”
On-Field Official (makes his way on the field): “After further review the call is confirmed… first down Ohio State.” (Crowd cheers)
