CENTRE COUNTY — Anger and I have had an interesting relationship. When I was a child, somehow I internalized the message that anger was bad and I shouldn’t feel it. As I grew older, I learned that no feelings are bad, they simply are. I understand that in my head, but it has taken time to fully internalize that message.
In my spiral journey through life, coming up against anger happens again and again just in different ways. In this process, what do I do with anger and its accompanying feelings?
I remember one grief education and support program I facilitated where we divided everyone into two groups. We asked each person to share with the others in their group about their experiences with anger after the death of a loved one. One group came to me a few moments later and said they didn’t have anything to talk about. None of them felt anger in their grief. The other group heard that and exclaimed, “We’ll give you some of our anger, we have lots of it.”
Obviously, everyone’s experiences with anger are different. Anger is defined as “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.” The word “strong” resonates with me. Anger feels like something that comes from within and grabs hold of me. My first challenge is recognizing that it’s happening. But what is next?
Over the years, I’ve experimented with many different practices. Journaling, taking deep breaths and other relaxation skills, thinking the situation through in my head and trying to reframe it, going for a walk, etc. But underlying all of that was my lifelong feeling I “shouldn’t” be feeling the anger in the first place so I “should” fix it. Then there was the feeling that I wasn’t speaking up for myself if I didn’t say something about what was making me angry. Sometimes that added to the anger.
In some spiritual traditions, nature is believed to hold all of the answers. Whatever we need to know, we can learn from engaging in nature. In a moment of synchronicity last week, I lived an example of that with anger.
A generous friend of ours invited my family to her condo in St. Maarten for a few days. On our first morning, my husband and I took an early morning walk along the beautiful beach of Simpson Bay. As we walked, I watched the strong, turbulent waves crashing on the shore. Later that same day, we walked into the water and one of those waves knocked me down. At times, my anger has felt like those waves.
I was reminded of being in labor with our son. The midwife told me to think of the contractions as waves. The muscle tightening of the contractions intensified and intensified. Then it crested and began to wane until it was gone, and I had a short rest. This image helped carry me through our son’s birth unmedicated. I sat on a yoga ball and rode the waves. It made the contractions doable knowing they would eventually begin to diminish.
I think my anger is like a wave too. It is very real, natural and powerful. I can ride it as it builds in intensity knowing that it too will diminish. I “should” feel my anger and like the waves, it’s okay to make my voice known.
After riding the anger wave, I can speak my truth. I don’t want to ignore my anger or push it down. Anger has a real purpose. It is healthy to get angry with injustices and other issues in our world. It is healthy to befriend our anger, learn what lies beneath it and see what it might want to teach us.
Anger after the death of a loved one is healthy too. That doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. Anger can be hard and overwhelming. Sometimes it’s anger at our loved one, at God, at caregivers, etc. Sometimes it’s generalized. Your life isn’t what you wanted it to be.
We can befriend our anger and ride its waves on our grief journeys. It won’t last forever and can be part of our healing as we move forward.
You are invited to join us at the following gatherings to continue this discussion about anger and be with others who are healing through their grief:
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Befriending Anger” on Monday, March 3, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom.
- Monday’s Moments at Millbrook Marsh in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Monday, March 17, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Road, State College.
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Tuesday, March 11, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Road, State College.
- Stories of Loss in Partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesday, March 11 and Tuesday, March 25, from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Death Café Virtual Gathering on Monday, March 17, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom.
More information can be found on the Bereavement Gatherings and Events page under Resources on the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook, MA, is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit www.kochfuneralhome.com.
