By MARC MCCANN
I remember years ago, my son was playing in a basketball tournament and went to the free throw line to shoot a one-and-one with the score tied and 3 seconds left. He missed the shot, the game went into overtime, and his team ended up losing. After the game, I knew he was going to be upset, and I wanted to tell him, “You didn’t lose the game.” I reminded myself that it was more important to validate his feelings than to attempt to make him feel better.
I didn’t talk, and let him start things off, and sure enough, he said he lost the game by missing the free throw. I stayed quiet, allowing him to get out his feelings. Then I said, “That’s really hard — I’m sorry.”
Later, at dinner, he was better able to see that many misses by others played into the loss, and that he actually played pretty well.
As parents, we may be good at helping our children with how to think and act, but we don’t always listen to their ideas. Sometimes we present a solution to them instead of letting them come to their own conclusion about the problem. While fathers are often sought out by their children for advice, remember that sometimes you can guide them to come up with their own answers, with your help, so that deeper learning takes place.
Action ideas
Think back to your childhood. Did your parents validate, or deny how you were feeling?
Practice just listening when one of your kids is upset. Instead of offering advice, consider
silence. Try to help identify the feeling you think your child is experiencing.
Aim to paraphrase what your son or daughter is expressing to you. This shows you have been listening and understanding.
Check out the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish. With cartoons and examples, it’s a tremendous resource that discusses opening
communication with your kids by validating feelings. You can find more information at www.howtotalkworkshops.com.
Marc McCann is an Internship Coordinator at Penn State who has been involved in human
services and the local fathering effort in Centre County for 25 years. In cooperation with
the National Center for Fathering, we aim to provide monthly Action Ideas to stimulate
conversation among families. To comment on this article, for more information, or to join local conversations, contact Marc at marc.mccann88@gmail.com. To read more, visit
