(Editor’s note: This is the second of two articles about the four stages that all separated families go through. The first article went through the Shock and Disorientation and Family Reorganization stages and began to go through the Coparenting stage. This article will continue the Coparenting stage and go through the Personal Growth stage.)
The longer the Family Reorganization and Coparenting stages drag out, the more the children are negatively impacted by the separation. The more parents focus on the negatives of the other parent, the more negatively the children are impacted, increasing the chance that the children will end up:
— Being put in the position of having to choose between mom and dad.
— Worrying that what they say will result in increased tensions and conflict between mom and dad.
— Being frustrated by the persistent negotiations, or rigidity, about how and when they spend time with either their mother or father.
— Being exposed to the necessity of having other people like social workers, lawyers, judges and guardians ad litem interceding into their family.
— Exposed to the seemingly never ending legal battle where a judge determines who they can be with and when.
The Dads’ Resource Center analysis of the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1997 showed how children growing up without their father in their home suffer more in life than children who grow up with both biological parents actively involved.
Such children were 20% more likely to have used hard drugs, 33% more likely to have intercourse before the age of 17 and 71% more likely to have been convicted of a crime.
They were 43% less likely to have graduated from college, 94% more likely to have used governmental programs and made 26% less annually on average than children who grew up with both parents, which was the difference between earning $59,490 and $43,938 annually.
Clearly, children in separated families face more struggles than children who grow up within an intact family. However, when a separated mother and father become overly reliant on the legal and court systems to sort out their differences, it negatively impacts the children as much as, or even more than, anything either parent may do as individuals.
By committing to finding a way to collaboratively coparent, mom and dad can become happier and more able to move forward in their own lives without being burdened by a toxic relationship with the mother/father of their children.
More importantly, they can allow their children the benefit of a more tranquil and healthier transition into the reality of a separated family.
Far too often, the social and legal systems stoke this conflict by favoring moms over dads.
PERSONAL GROWTH
When parents can establish a working partnership that results in routine without conflict, they and the children begin to experience relief, are able to heal and start to evolve. It is vital that mom and dad find ways to communicate in a reasonable way, being flexible and gracious toward one another so their children can move forward.
Free from the burden of a toxic relationship with the other parent, mom and dad can figure out what their new life will become and create new, more fulfilling relationships —and along with that reaffirm their bonds with their children and fully focus on the art of parenting.
This is important because while mom and dad must forge new lives separate from one another, the children must adapt to their new life in a separated family. Not only do they have to live and sleep in two different places, but they must figure out how to balance their attention between their parents and often figure out how to accept their parents’ new partners. All while figuring out life like any other child.
This is much for any child to experience and further emphasizes that every separated parent must make working together amicably with the other parent their number one priority. Even if the separation goes as well as possible, the children’s lives are still going to be much more complicated than the lives of children living in intact families. The social systems and courts need to do much better in helping all involved parties achieve this goal.
Mothers and fathers give different and equally important things to their children. If they are unable to remain in the relationship, they must find a way to develop a cordial partnership which allows their children the access and nurturance that they dearly need from both parents.
