CENTRE COUNTY — On one of our morning walks last week, I asked my husband if he saw the articles about Penn State students coming together for a vigil to mourn the sale and closing of the downtown McDonalds. He responded that he had. I replied, “I’m going to write about that.”
I’ve heard some people say they think this action by the students was silly and not helpful. I disagree. I applaud the students’ efforts and think it was both healthy and healing.
Grief is the natural reaction to loss. It is what we feel on the inside. Mourning is moving the grief to the outside. But, as I often ask groups, when was the last time you’ve heard someone use the word mourn? It is rare to find its use in this day and age.
That’s why I was thrilled to see “mourn” used in some of the articles about the McDonald’s vigil. The students were moving their grief by coming together and creating a ritual.
The ritual they created may have been informal and impromptu, but that didn’t make it any less effective. The root of the word ritual means “to fit together.” Change and loss can break us apart and rituals help us fit our lives back together. That’s what the students were trying to do.
When my dad died in March of this year, his 12 grandchildren, two grandchildren-in-law and two great-grandchildren, went out together after the visitation the night before the funeral. At a table together in a downtown restaurant, one of the grandchildren suggested they each say something about my dad including what they called him — from Grandad to Dadz to Dodo (a name that called a lot of attention to my dad as his grandchildren yelled it while running to greet him in an airport).
This was another impromptu ritual that touched everyone deeply, even those of us who were not there but later learned of its occurrence. Things were said there that might never have been said anywhere else. Only those present know. The grandchildren honored their grandfather, told stories about him and fit that generation of our family together in a special way.
I love these examples of younger generations doing what they knew they needed to do after a loss. They knew they needed to come together
Even some animals know they need to do this. I often share the story of a man, Lawrence Anthony, who was known as the “elephant whisperer.” Lawrence was an author and conservationist in South Africa who took elephants onto his reserve to protect them from harm. These elephants were causing damage in the community and were likely to be shot.
Once on his property, Lawrence camped out next to the elephants and through the tone of his voice and body language, tried to convince Nana, the matriarch of the herd, to stay on the reserve. Nana had repeatedly tried to break down the fence to go into town. Eventually Lawrence and Nana connected when she put her trunk through the fence to touch Lawrence. From then on, the elephants remained on his land.
When Lawrence died suddenly in 2012, the herd of elephants arrived at Lawrence’s home two days later, a place they hadn’t been for six months, and they stood vigil for a couple of hours. Nobody went to the elephants to alert them of Lawrence’s death, but somehow, they knew, and they too knew what they needed to do. Was this their ritual to help fit themselves together?
There are countless ways to come together after a loss and countless rituals to create. The important thing is to do it. To come together, tell the stories, honor the loss and begin to heal in healthy ways. When the loss is due to a death of a loved one, rituals like funerals, memorial services, celebrations of life and remembrance gatherings can be as unique as the person they’re memorializing. They can all be spaces for both grief and gratitude that fit communities together.
You are invited to come together with others to continue this and other conversations about grief education and support and dying, death and bereavement at the following gatherings:
- Healing through the Holidays in partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesdays, Nov. 26, through Dec. 17, from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Supportive Spaces” on Monday, Dec. 2, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in partnership with Centre Region Parks and Recreation on Tuesday, Dec. 10, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Schlow Library, 211 S. Allen Street, State College
- Monday’s Moments at Schlow Library in Partnership with Centre Region Parks and Recreation on Monday, Dec. 16, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Schlow Library, 211 S. Allen Street, State College
- Death Café Virtual Gathering on Monday, Dec. 16, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom
More information can be found on the Bereavement Gatherings and Events page under Resources on the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook, MA, is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit www.kochfuneralhome.com.
