On my early morning walk in our neighborhood a couple of weeks ago, I saw a man standing in the middle of the street. I was at first confused and a little apprehensive but continued walking on the sidewalk towards him.
The next thing I noticed was a SUV backing out of the driveway from the house to the left of where this man was standing. The SUV stopped right in front of him, and he leaned down to open the front passenger door. Once opened, he picked up a small child. I could hear the child and the man speaking with the driver. The man then closed the door, the car drove off, and he carried the child towards the house.
Since I walk around the same time in the morning most days, I’ve now seen this ritual occur several times. I haven’t spoken with any of the people involved, but the story I tell myself is this is how they say goodbye in the morning. The child rides with at least one family member in their vehicle into the street before being taken into the arms of another family member. What a creative and unique ritual! This child has a few moments with one person before joining another. My guess is this helps make the transition from everyone being together to then being separated for the workday.
Walking away, I wondered how this family designed such a ritual. Was it intentional? Did it grow organically?
As I continued to ponder this special ritual and thought about the work I do, my mind of course went to rituals around death. Although this family’s ritual is around life and living, it is a form of saying goodbye.
Many people believe that as we say goodbye at the end of life, we too have moments with family members here before we are taken into the arms of ancestors and all-encompassing Love on the other side. How can we make end-of-life rituals marking these goodbyes just as unique as this family made their morning ritual?
That is my intention as a celebrant. My work is to help people design one-of-a-kind rituals around dying, death, and grief. I encourage individuals and families to honor their loved ones in ways that feel most authentic and real.
There is no one way to do this. I’ve spoken at a tailgate themed memorial. I’ve sat in small circles while family members shared stories of loved ones. I’ve also spoken to more than 100 people, once as a mother passed the flame representing the light of her daughter’s short life. I believe as Rebecca Soffer of Modern Loss wrote, “When you do grief right, it’s not some separate sealed-off thing. It’s just life—sad and beautiful and communal and real.”
Meaningful end-of-life rituals, like funerals, memorial services and celebrations of life don’t have to feel like they’re sealed off. They are a real part of life. And they help us begin to heal and move toward wholeness again.
