Although it might sound off-putting to some, death cafes are group discussions of death, with no agenda, objectives or themes. They began in September 2011 in East London, England, and have since spread around the world, with the objective to increase awareness of death and help people make the most of their finite lives. Although initially created as in-person groups, many are now offered online. I have led death cafes for several years and have always left feeling inspired.
At a recent death cafe, one of the participants posed the question, “How do we prepare for death?” The conversation that ensued ran the gamut from role playing as if you’d been given a terminal diagnosis, to research around the controlled use of psychedelic drugs.
Interestingly, the discussion focused on the emotional, psychological, spiritual and social aspects of dying, not the logistical aspects like completing legal documents and preplanning funerals. Although having these items in place can definitely give us peace of mind and help with our preparedness for death, they were not top-of-mind for the participants that day.
Taking guidance from these participants, I’ll be looking at mindsets on death.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the question of, “What are the best ways to prepare for death?” You might ask, why would we want to do that? It is my belief that being prepared for death helps us live our lives more fully now, increases our resilience, makes us less fearful, betters our ability to support others in the throes of life’s difficulties and increases our chances of having a “good” death. As the dalai lama said, “Man is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
So how do we really live and be prepared to die? I think we need to begin with some introspection. Dr. Karen Wyatt, an author, host of End-of-Life University and former hospice physician, does great work around these topics. In a piece entitled, “How to Create a Death-Positive Mindset,” she outlined some suggestions:
- Address fears around death — As humans, death is one of our greatest fears. We can help decrease that fear by spending more time with death. This could look like journaling, having conversations, reading books, listening to talks, watching videos, attending death cafes and being present at loved ones’ deaths.
Addressing our fears takes us back to the importance of living fully now. Mark Twain said it well: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
- Explore past experiences — Exploring and healing unresolved pain can help us prepare for death. As an end-of-life doula, I often talk to people about RUGS — regrets, unfinished business, guilt and shame. It is never too early to address the RUGS in our lives.
- Challenge misperceptions — In our culture, some of the words we use around death are depressing, scary, ugly and painful. “The point is to remember that death can be both tragic and beautiful at the same time. Learn to see the beauty in death wherever it arises,” Wyatt wrote.
Yes, there can be difficult moments with dying, death and grief, but that is what it means to be human. There can be sweet and tender moments too. One family I companioned during the patriarch’s dying journey felt the pain of losing him but also described the whole experience as deeply spiritual and almost magical.
- Change the language surrounding death — Along with challenging our misperceptions, we can be intentional about our own word choices when talking about death. We don’t want to minimize others’ experiences, but instead of assigning negative adjectives to death like awful or brutal, we can simply offer our love and compassion. We want to be there for other people’s grief without making it worse.
- Think about death every day — I am not suggesting that we do this in a morbid way, but instead in a seize-the-day kind of way. Knowing that life is finite enables us to see it as a gift and make the most of it each day.
I encourage all of us to be gentle with ourselves as we address these suggestions. As I stated earlier, death is one of our greatest fears. Professionals can help guide us, and education and support gatherings can provide safe spaces to process our thoughts and emotions. I think you’ll appreciate how your life changes as a result.
Below is a list of upcoming grief and death education and support gatherings:
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Tender Moments,” on Monday, July 1, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom.
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together, in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation, on Tuesday, July 9, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Tom Tudek Park, Pavilion #2, 400 Herman Drive, State College.
- Stories of Loss, in partnership with Juniper at Brookline, on Tuesday, July 9, and Tuesday, July 23, from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Monday’s Moments at Sunset Park, in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation, on Monday, July 15. from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Sunset Park, Pavilion #2, 850 McKee St., State College.
- Death Cafe Virtual Gathering on Monday, July 15, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom.
More information can be found on the Bereavement Gatherings and Events page of the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit kochfuneralhome.com.
