Even though tears are welcome and an appropriate response to death, many people are afraid to cry when they speak about a loved one at a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life.
Deep breathing is something I do when I officiate at services. I tell the families I work with that my intention is to create what they want with the goal of having the essence of their loved one with us as we remember them. I do much of this through stories.
The stories I share include happy times in the people’s lives. They include challenging times. And they often include final times.
As I get to the part about the final times, I notice myself pausing, taking a deep breath, and exhaling.
At other times in these services, I invite people into a time of silent reflection to think about their loved one in a way that is meaningful to them. While we hold the silence together, I notice myself taking three deep breaths and exhaling each time again.
And then, in the closing, before I share a sentiment like “love is stronger than death,” I once again find myself taking a deep breath and exhaling.
These are the typical times I notice myself intentionally breathing but there are always others. Others when emotions are running high.
Sometimes when emotions are running high, we forget to breathe deeply and we yearn to exhale. It may even feel like we’re holding our breath as we brace for pain. Other times, like the times I mentioned above, we can breathe intentionally and exhale fully to help us be with our powerful emotions.
Breathing is fundamental to life. In some cultures and spiritual traditions, the breath is considered the life force. For example, in Hebrew, the word for breath, ruach, also means spirit or wind. In Greek, pneuma means breath and spirit. In Chinese, chi or qi means breath and vital energy. And in Sanskrit, prana is respiration and a life principle.
As Christine Valters Paintner writes about in her book, The Artist’s Rule, a single breath represents all four seasons and the life cycle. Breathing in the gift of life is like birth, spring, and awakening. The moment between inhaling and exhaling is like the fullness of life and summer. Exhaling is like aging and the release of fall. And the moment between exhaling and inhaling is like death and the stillness of winter.
Many meditation practices focus on the breath. One of my favorites I learned from Meggan Watterson’s work and uses three intentional breaths, one to go into our hearts, two to go deeper into the truth of who we are, and three to return from that place of love.
It may seem simple, but paying attention to our breath can help us heal. Our yearning to exhale in grief is a reminder about the importance of releasing some of the stress we’re carrying inside. But we can’t will or force our healing. Instead, we can use our breath to come into the present and both experience what we’re feeling and return to the love inside. This kind of breathing helps loved ones and me when speaking at memorial services.
To talk more about being present to our grief and healing, you are invited to the following education and support gatherings:
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Tuesday, Oct. 14 from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Rd., State College.
- Stories of Loss in Partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesdays, Oct. 14 and 28 from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Monday’s Moments at Millbrook Marsh in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Monday, Oct. 20 from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Rd., State College.
- Death Café Virtual Gathering on Monday, Oct. 20 from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom.
