Dear Mom and Dad,
I saw you in State College this weekend. I think it was you.
You were the excited parents, making the last minute purchases at Walmart for your new Penn State student. Maybe you were the sweaty pair in in the parking lot near East Halls, making another trip to the car to get another load. You might have been the parents with the map in your hand, looking around with both uncertainty and tremendous pride as you dropped off the first person in your family to go to college. Maybe it was you, the veterans of fall semester move-in weekend, bringing us child No. 2 or No. 3.
We welcome your son or daughter to our community and we look forward to sharing these steps in their life’s journey with them and with you.
As both a Penn State faculty member and an experienced Penn State mom I have some words of advice for you. You’ve provided the foundation – the roots – for your child to be successful. Now it is time to let them have wings.
The research on student retention and graduation rates consistently supports engagement with the university community among the factors leading to student success. Let them get engaged here.
Contact with your student is great and provides a support network for students. However, if they are calling home or texting Mom or Dad with every question, issue and problem, they aren’t learning to solve problems and master difficult situations on their own. Stumbling and then getting back up allows us to build confidence.
Be a listening ear but don’t be the solution. Whether it be problems with a class or a roommate or a job, encourage your students to work things out before you charge in like the cavalry.
Understand that they are going to be exposed to many things, some of which they may have had no prior experience and which may differ from what they saw or heard or knew about from home or from high school. College is about learning on many levels. If you pressure them to stay the same, they cannot grow and learn.
Encourage them to get involved. From intramural sports, THON, going to the activities planned by their resident assistant or joining a club related to a hobby or their future major, building friends and connections here will help ward off homesickness and will help them grow and learn outside of the classroom.
Be prepared for the firsts. The first D on a paper. The first time they aren’t the top student in the class. The first time they have an instructor for whom English may be his or her second language or who doesn’t recognize them by name. This isn’t the Farmers High School anymore.
Encourage them to make connections. Make an appointment to meet the instructor of that huge class so the instructor can place a face to a name. Join the club for their major. Build a relationship with the academic advisor. Your son or daughter will be surprised to find out how embracing the academic community will a difference. The students who we know are those who we call when there is a cool opportunity with alumni or a chance to participate in a research project. Encourage study abroad, other engaged scholarship and participating in offerings like the alumni mentor programs sponsored by their colleges. More sometimes is better.
The kids who don’t get involved, who sit in the back row or who blow off classes are at greatest risk for failure. The young person who doesn’t leave their apartment or who can’t put down the video game console or their handheld device is not going to do well.
Remind them to exercise regularly, eat well and to try to set a pattern for sleep. Your student is going to be working hard – particularly if he or she is also working to support their education. Many get sick the first year from burning the candle at both ends while sharing air and germs with their peers in the communal environment.
Send care packages. Buy the magnet for your car. Make plans to come for Parents Weekend.
Don’t encourage them to break the law or help them do it. Alcohol is a problem at most universities. We need your help. Mom and Dad providing liquor or drinking with your underage students and their friends at tailgates or Parents Weekend doesn’t make you the cool parents. I can remember several years ago watching with horror the drunk single mother of a student making out with a fraternity brother at a Greek parents’ weekend event. #embarasseddaughter
Think first before you call an instructor or email a professor. Really think first before you write a paper for your kid or send an email from his or her account. Encourage your student to make that call or send that email (or better yet, make the appointment) before you get involved. Because of federal law, we can’t speak with you if your students hasn’t given us written permission to do so, even if you are “paying the bills.”
Also understand that you may not be getting all of the information. On more than one occasion, I’ve had to listen to the outrage of a parent over a grade or a student who “just found out” that she failed a class or has to go another semester knowing full well that the student was provided with the information numerous times and in a variety of ways and was given the support to do better. No, Mr. Smith. You are not paying my salary.
If you are really worried about your student based on what you are hearing about their decisions or their social life or another crisis that concerns you, then we want you to call and let someone know. We will work together to best meet the needs of your child. Don’t ask us to keep secrets from your son or daughter or to exclude them the discussion. Secrets are never good and we want to empower students to take control of their own lives.
There are many, many resources on campus for students and their parents who need support. We have safety nets in place to address everything from roommate issues to helping them find a major that feels more like a fit.
A college education is expensive and a lot of hard work. It is also life-changing. It takes a strong sense of self, determination, a passion for learning and an eye on the future to get there. We look forward to working as One Team and for your child to make us proud as a Penn State student and alumnus.
