It may be a sign that I’m getting older, but it’s only March and I’ve already been to four funerals and one ‘Celebration of Life’ this year already.
Three of the services I attended were for people in their late 40s or early 50s, and my friends are losing their parents. It stinks no matter how old you are.
A few weeks ago, the father of one of my high school classmates passed away. Reading his obituary over morning coffee, my husband and I were amazed by his accomplishments and long-lasting contributions to our community. We have known this classmate for 35+ years and never knew anything about her father until we read it in the paper.
Likewise, attending the Celebration of Life for a friend who died too young, we heard of her impact on everyone who knew her, her love for her husband and children, and her lifelong dedication to animals. Friends and family gathered to share a meal and talk about her life. She was the only thing missing. So many people gathered together to say great things about her, and she wasn’t in the room to hear it.
At every funeral, regardless of the age of the person who has passed, there are family and friends, pictures, stories, reminiscences and laughs wrapped up in tears. (At some of the funerals I have attended, I have even seen kegs at the post-funeral repast). Everyone is gathered to celebrate the life of the one person who is unable to attend.
Would it be okay if I scheduled my funeral before I die?
Think about it. A friend or family member passes away and we are incredibly sad. We shed tears in response to our loss and drop everything to go and pay our respects to the family. There is a notice in the newspaper about the death, describing the things that were important to the person — where he or she was born, education, marriages, children and careers. Some obituaries mention pets or hobbies. I’ve read some that identify the departed as a Steelers fan or list his or her favorite Nascar driver. In the notice we include information about the days and times of the viewing and funeral. Many suggest a donation for a favored charity in honor of the deceased.
There are a variety of rituals depending on the religious beliefs of the person who is gone. Sometimes, we celebrate with a meal or a gathering after the burial service. In most cultures, people who loved the person (and even those who maybe didn’t even like the person) pay respects to the family.
Why do we wait until a person is dead to celebrate his or her life?
I think we should implement a Celebration of Life for each person before they die. Just like the Bar Mitzvah or the Sweet Sixteen party, the rule would be that each person would only get one. We could print the ‘notice’ in the newspaper, listing our accomplishments and then hold the party. There could be verbal tributes and congratulations. We could create picture collages that show us at our best throughout the various stages of our lives.
Afterward, everyone could go home and say, ‘Wow, he or she was pretty amazing. I think I’ll call next week to go to lunch.’
The best part would be that it wouldn’t be too late for friends and family to say the things we always wish we had said after we lose a dear friend or close family member. The not–yet-departed would walk away with a smile and acknowledgment of his or her value to the people in his or her life.
I was among the crowd that waited in line to pay my respects to the family of SCASD Board President Rick Madore when he passed away earlier this year. I had known Rick since St. Paul’s Methodist Youth Fellowship Group back in junior high. His wife, Patty, and I were cheerleaders together in high school. As we all came back to State College in those first years after college and graduate school, our paths crossed again through kids, work, neighbors, the Mom network and of course, through his eventual involvement with the school district. To be honest, as school board president, Rick’s kinder, gentler leadership style sometimes drove me crazy. In retrospect, however, I believe he was one of the few people who could have taken that seat at the board table after the controversy.
Rick’s wife and children stood for hours at the viewing, individually greeting each and every person who came to celebrate his life – family, friends, fellow church members, the swimming community, dental patients, school district employees and his colleagues at Center Volunteers in Medicine. I wish I had had the chance to tell Rick that I appreciated his service to our community while he was alive. I’m glad his loving wife and children got to see how many people valued their relationship with Rick. It would have been nice for Rick to see it too.
Why don’t we celebrate the lives of those we care about while they are still here to enjoy it?
Author Isla Paschal Richardson said of death: ‘Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you there.’
A celebration of life before our death would mean we could die knowing that our accomplishments, our relationships and our impact on others had been recognized by those that we had known and loved. We would know because we had been given the chance to hear it before it was too late.
