Good Manners Still Very Much Needed

This week the topic for my students was business etiquette. In both the pre-internship class and in the introduction-to-major class, we covered cell phone etiquette, manners in our emails and in our phone calls and even talked a little about etiquette at networking events and in interviews.

In the same week, we learn about the Cambridge, Mass. elementary school librarian who refused Melania Trump’s donation of 10 Dr. Seuss books. This librarian made a huge and very public production of turning away the books, for which her school had been randomly selected to receive in a program sponsored by the White House, under the auspices that other schools with fewer resources could use the books and that Dr. Seuss books are racist and “cliché.”

The concerns in this story are almost too many to mention them all. A public school employee using her position to grab her 15 minutes of fame. A trained librarian coming very close to censoring what many consider classic children books. Another example of the idiocy of looking at past decisions, in this case literature, written in another time in history.  (Dr. Seuss is a Pulitzer Prize winning author who was first recognized in the 1950s with numerous Caldecott Awards for children’s literature).  

Ultimately, however, the librarian in question offers us the best lesson on bad manners. When someone gives us a gift that we don’t need or like, good manners suggest that we take it and politely say thank you.

To quote one of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld, she could have just as easily “re-gifted” the books and gone on about her business.  

In my class last week, as a parent and in other teaching situations, we often talk about manners and etiquette. We talk about the need to use civilized behavior and good manners to be successful. Don’t interrupt. Wait your turn. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Hold the door for others. Make eye contact with people when you greet them. Don’t put your elbows on the table.

It is easier to get along in the world when we follow the rules related to how we treat each other in public and in private.

My own kids laugh now at some of my favorite manners lessons when they were growing up. They would be excited to share something that happened to them and the story would go on and on and on and on and perhaps offer a few too many details. Those on the receiving end of the story would start to giggle, get totally lost or get bored and lose interest. I would discreetly pull them aside later and ask “Is there a better way you could tell that story?” Another of their favorites would be my raised eyebrows at a buffet or snack table in which their plates might be just a little too heaping. “Wait until everyone has had firsts before you take seconds.”

Learning good manners at home helps kids be successful in school and, eventually, in professional situations.

As we have seen through history, our reliance on manners evolves over time. I loved watching the PBS show Downton Abbey to note the many points of etiquette that have evolved since that time in history. Emily Post would have likely been unable to predict the manner nuances that would be required in cell phone, internet and social media society of today.

In general, our society is more rude than ever before.

From text messages to the “interviews” that take place on the cable news channels.  People are just downright bad-mannered. People shouting over each other to make their points and then posting it on YouTube or calling it cable news. Road rage because someone wants to merge into our lane. Throwing punches in the line to buy presents for the holidays on Black Friday. Talking on the cell phone throughout the checkout line at Wegmans as if the person helping you is not even there. Parents swearing at the referees from the sidelines at youth sporting events.

And then comes the justification. Well, he or she did it first. When has the bad behavior of others ever been a good rationale for our own bad behavior?

We are becoming a country of bad manners. Perhaps we need a little more Downton Abbey and a little less Judge Judy.

The good news is there is hope. I am traveling with Penn State students this week and saw two spontaneous demonstrations of good manners and kindness from some of the young people who are with me. From the back of the line, I watched one of my students very kindly help the elderly woman behind her navigate TSA at University Park airport as the woman’s nervous son stood by the entrance to security. My student didn’t even need to be asked. I watched another reach out her hand to help steady an older patron on the escalator when we got to the Philadelphia airport. I’ve heard thank yous and seen doors being held for strangers. It is good to know that at least some of the next generation are getting the word.

Good manners and etiquette are a part of the social mores and cultural norms that we use to be able to live and work and navigate our individual worlds together.