Penn State is No. 1 in quite a few things.
We routinely sit at the top in both fencing and women’s volleyball. Men’s gymnastics has been up there, and I think wrestling is just right around the corner.
A year ago, Penn State was also the No. 1 party school in the country, according to the Princeton Review, but it has since dropped behind the University of Georgia. (I’m not worried. Penn State football was No. 2 behind them in 1982 and beat them for the national title.)
Anyway, this got me to thinking about what kind of ‘party’ we’re talking about in this party-school ranking. There are many types of parties — some are not legal, some cross the boundaries of decency, and some have no decency at all — so a fair measurement is difficult at best.
It must be done, though. We must determine who the real No. 1 is, even if the ranking must be regulated.
Penn Staters say that they’re concerned about the 2010 starting quarterback or whether the Lions can make the Tide forget about two consecutive national championships, but I believe this must be settled before football season. The road to No. 1 has to be paved with thought and action!
There are issues to address. For instance, are there different divisions? Are partying alumni considered professionals? A tailgate, after all, is quite different from your typical frat party or apartment party.
I suggest that alumni be considered pros, and we need a commissioner for that division. The NCAA would have to take over the college division, and we would have to have conferences. It would be interesting to have alcohol-free schools challenging free-alcohol schools for the No. 1 spot.
(Yes, it’s true: You CAN have a good time without drinking alcohol. I have met alumni from schools that banned alcohol, and they seem like normal, happy people. Amazing, isn’t it? I never drank for the three years I wrestled here, but a lot of people don’t think I’m normal.)
In order to cement our position as the No. 1 party school, classes need to start later. That way, parties (and weekends) can last longer. Even weeknights would then open up as a possibility. Since this would catch like a wildfire, schools would need their police departments to compare complaints to determine the hardest partiers.
I was dead-set against this idea at first, but since some people want to spend tens of thousands of dollars to make college the best (partying) years of their lives, why not let them?
We’ll have to adjust the school cheer. ‘We are…Penn State’? How about ‘Why Not…Penn State’? (Not funny, I agree.)
In all seriousness, my goal was never to be an alumnus of the No. 1 party school in the nation, nor do I really think this is the Road to No. 1 we should be following. I am getting tired of drunk students running out in front of my car this time of year.
Then again, maybe I’m just getting old.
