The start of a new academic year always feels more like a new year than the actual new calendar year.
Some of that may have to do with the fact that Jan. 1 is my birthday and, at my age, I would prefer to avoid that particular milestone.
Aging issues aside, late August and early September have always seemed to have that sense of starting over — new students, new teachers, new school clothes and a fresh start.
It also means a new batch of excuses, alibis and reasons why a student missed class or why he or she didn’t complete an assignment.
Qualifier: The majority of students are responsible, hard-working and honest. This article will be a reference to the 20 in the 80/20 rule – 20 percent of the students are responsible for 80 percent of the silliness.
I’m already hearing it and it’s only the second week of classes.
A student came in to meet me for an office appointment last week. He was reeking of alcohol at 10:30 in the morning. I couldn’t help but ask if he was having a “good time” since his return to campus for the all semester.
His response? Oh yeah, sorry about that. I don’t metabolize alcohol the way that everyone else does, so I sometimes still smell the next day.
Let’s give him a round of applause for creativity.
EXCUSE ME, HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE?
Gather a bunch of instructors together and ask them to share the stories that they’ve heard from students and it’s a belly laugh.
First, there is the whole category of “blame it on an inanimate object.” A missed test, a late paper or an absence from class is obviously not the student’s fault – or so many students would like you to believe.
It’s the result of a malfunction of some piece of equipment. The bus. The alarm clock. The car. The flash drive. The hard drive. The printer. The elevator. Each of these inanimate objects is responsible for screwing up a student’s best intentions.
Next, is the category called Others. This is when the behavior or decisions made by someone else results in the student’s poor showing.
My roommate turned off the alarm. The bus driver was late. My girlfriend had to go to the hospital. The kid who sits next to me in class said the due date was changed. My mother called about my bank account and I had to take the call.
Sickness and physical injury make up the biggest source of excuses.
I was throwing up all night. I sprained my ankle. They think I have mono. My coughing would really interrupt class. I’m having a migraine. I feel dizzy. I’m having warts removed. It’s my wisdom teeth.
Of course, there is the whole category of death-related absences. Grandmother. Grandfather. Cousin. Aunt. Uncle. My friend from home. My mom’s boss. My dad’s employee. My sister’s fiance’s great aunt on his mother’s side.
NOW THIS YOU WON’T BELIEVE
The last is the category I will call the “I Can’t Believe You Are Telling Me This.” Students offer up such outrageous reasons for missing class or not turning in assignments that the only appropriate reaction for a faculty member is to discreetly look away.
I have head lice. I have to go to court for DUI. I broke up with my girlfriend and she won’t leave my apartment. My roommate was arrested last night and I have to bail him out. I have to go to court on a stalking charge. It’s Fraternity Hell Week.
In reviewing my course policies during the first week of classes, I explain to my new students every year that some of those who have come before have forced some instructors to be skeptical.
I had a student who seemed like a great kid. Very pleasant. Funny. Engaging with me and his peers when he showed up for class. One day, he popped into my office hours to say he was sorry for missing class but his “cancer was back” and he was undergoing another round of chemo-therapy.
You know where this is going.
I should have seen the warning signs. He said he didn’t want to share his illness with his group members who had been complaining about his missed meetings because he didn’t want them to think differently of him. He didn’t want me to make any special exceptions for him because he wanted life as a regular college student. At the time, those seemed like reasonable responses. As a parent, as a faculty member and as a human being, I felt incredible compassion for him.
The following semester, his mother contacted me about a financial aid issue. He had failed several classes and was at risk for losing his financial assistance. She wondered what she could do. My spider senses clicked on to high alert when, in the course of our conversation, she never mentioned that he was sick. (Because of the limitations of the Federal Education Rights and Privacy Act, our conversation had to remain very general without written permission from her son.)
As the conversation came around to university attendance policies, she said, “He had asthma as a kid but nothing else that would make him miss classes.”
I couldn’t believe it.
He responded to my e-mail in which I asked to see him immediately and came into the office later that day. After hedging, back-pedaling, suggesting I misunderstood, and a brief attempt at feigned anger at having his integrity questioned, he finally admitted that he had lied. No cancer. No chemotherapy. No medical diagnosis. Just a made-up excuse for getting out of work. In the end, the Office of Student Conduct (formerly Judicial Affairs) helped me attempt to teach him a valuable lesson about honesty.
And they wonder why their instructors require documentation for excused absences.
I’M SORRY. NO, I MEAN IT
So, if you are one of my students and you really get sick, lose a grandparent or have your roommate unplug your alarm clock, I apologize in advance.
You are probably being honest and are likely offended that I’m asking for proof. You may really have migraines, have to go to court or metabolize alcohol differently from everyone else. Unfortunately, decisions made by some of those who have come before you are impacting you today.
Happy New Year.
