It’s a Penn State tradition.
A requirement, if you will.
Tailgating is an essential aspect of Penn State, especially during Homecoming weekend. It’s as necessary to the functioning Nittany Lion as eating at the Creamery or posing at the Shrine.
So one can only imagine the hysteria that would ensue if the university would, without warning, cancel one of Penn State’s most beloved traditions.
The announcement came late last week, when neither the snow-capped student body nor the various alumni anticipated such an e-mail.
Tailgates will be forbidden this weekend, we were told.
Penn State will not celebrate one of its greatest traditions, we were told.
There were to be no grilled stickies. There were to be no games of cornhole, washers or dizzy bat. And forget about mixing Peppermint Schnapps with hot cocoa.
But a “No Tailgating” rule meant to the Penn State faithful nothing more than “No tailgating at the stadium.”
At noon Saturday, Zeno’s was as packed as it has been on many Friday and Saturday nights this semester. The Wal-Mart parking lot was filled with tents and truck beds ready to feed a small army. And fraternity houses were hosting more than the normal Saturday afternoon crowd, as alumni sought refuge from the snow and anti-tailgating legislation.
You see, when a place like Penn State bans a tradition like tailgating, it does not abolish the practice. Think of tailgating as an oil spill (a pleasant, weekly oil spill, but a spill nevertheless). The spill is not really an issue until one tries to clean it up with a good dose of water.
Now, the spill exists, except in many, many more locations.
What is a university to do?
Sure, the school could abandon its history as Tailgate Central. And, yes, it could pretend it has never heard of the consumption of alcohol on its campus. But Penn State’s not that naive.
At the same time, it’s always looking to make money.
The next time Penn State finds itself in this situation, its officials should follow my simple plan for additional revenue.
1.) Allow tailgating. If the big-time donors want to get themselves stuck in the mud and the snow, let them.
2.) Hire student-shovelers. Here’s the thing: Students need money and will work for less of a reward than the circus elephants. Have them clear out as much of the fields as possible. As a reward, allow them to have tailgates in said fields.
3.) Allow high rollers to get stuck in the mud. No, they didn’t realize that snow meant mud after sunrise. Yes, they should have realized this. Capitalize.
4.) Allow tow-truck drivers to park at the snow-covered fields during the game. This way, when those who required a parking spot get stuck in the lot, Penn State can make a little commission off of the tow.
5.) When all cars are towed from Penn State parking spots, have the student-shovelers replace the snow on the field.
6.) Pray for more snow.
7.) Repeat as necessary until university has a surplus.
Sure, it might be several weeks until the next Penn State home game, but if several inches of snow can be expected in mid-October, then the Nittany Lion faithful can expect about a foot for Ohio State.
I trust you’ll make the right decision, Penn State.
