Parents: Let the Coaches Coach

While talking to an athletic director of a Power 5 NCAA school recently, the subject of players transferring and today’s student-athletes came up. When the conversation turned to what those pressures put on coaches, he became animated.

“You know, Jay,” he said, “every time a parent wants to meet about a coach they always start with one opening demand: they want the coach fired. That is the starting point.”

At this point we could’ve blamed this generation of student-athletes and compared them to days past; like the two old guys on the Muppet Show.

But to blame the kids would be a mistake. These behaviors are learned, and for that the fault lies with the current generation of parents. It is my generation of parents, but I did benefit from learning perspective from coaches, players and experiences along the way.

Bill Kenney, a man I coached with for 17 years at Penn State, had a paperweight on his desk. That paperweight was etched with the words, “Prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.”

It’s a great reminder of what it should mean to be a parent or a coach.

In my years as a parent for kids playing a number of sports, I’ve witnessed parents acting with the lone goal of preparing the path for their child. They yell at officials, they complain about coaches and in some extreme, but hardly rare, situations, they try to rally other parents to oust a coach.

Even at the college level, student-athletes and parents complain about a coach that yells at their son or daughter in practice. The news media is rife with stories about coaches who lose their jobs because they were judged to be “too hard” on their players.

Parents should thank any coach willing to take on that role in today’s environment of overzealous parents raising children unprepared to endure setbacks or take criticism.

Maybe I’m a dinosaur but I believe some values should endure.

One of my coaching mentors used to talk about a sign he saw in the 1970s in the office of a high school coach; “Will I Lose Your Friendship If I Tell You The Truth?”

Going back to coaching with Bill Kenney, one year he had a player that was coming to him complaining that we weren’t getting him involved in our offensive schemes. The player was convinced that I did not like him. So, rather than Bill talking to me, Bill told that player to come see me.

I told him the truth. He needed to be more consistent and have a better grasp of the offense so we could trust him when the game was on the line. He took the criticism to heart and worked hard to be a guy we could trust. He was a major part of some great offenses before a successful NFL career.

It only happened because Bill prepared him for the path. 

The very nature of competition is simple: we all want to win. But the fact remains, someone will win and someone will lose. And when a coach fills out a starting lineup someone starts, someone plays more of the game than someone else. 

For that parent who must look into the eyes of a daughter or son who may not play as much as she or he would like, the easy answer is that your problems must be the coach’s fault. My child is so good, and so special that the coach must be biased or incompetent. And the coach that was critical or yelled at my daughter or son must have something personal against them. 

Sure, there are bad coaches. But almost all coaches are motivated by a genuine desire to help each player improve and help the team win.

Joe Paterno used to say to his players and coaches, “Take my criticism as a compliment because I have high expectations for you. If I stop criticizing you, that is when you’d better get worried.” 

With today’s generation of parents, I’m not sure that message would be understood or appreciated. These days, even at the major college level, coaches are being advised not to yell at players.

But there are still places where old-school, honest evaluation, criticism and the successes and failures of daily competition drive excellence. In Alabama’s football program the demands of competition are present every day. There is a motto they all believe: “Alabama Isn’t For Everyone.”

That is their daily challenge. Some run to it, some run from it

The true competitors are looking for the coach and the challenge that takes them out of their comfort zone. Others, looking for the softest landing spot with the easiest path for playing time are not doing their kids any favors.

Sure, we want to see our kids always happy, always playing and always winning. That is neither reality, nor is it good for their development.

The lessons of sports are ones that serve student-athletes well in the game of life. In life, your performance produces a result that either meets a standard or it doesn’t. Results don’t care about feelings. How we teach our players to react to results will build important life assets.

Among the assets cited by companies that hire student-athletes are the lessons learned by sports. Student-athletes develop life skills that enable them to work as part of a team, take criticism and overcome adversity. 

So, parents learn to let the coaches coach. Learn to be an adult that understands the arc of your child’s life happiness is based in their ability to do what the poet Kipling wrote: “Meet with Triumph and Disasterand treat those two impostors just the same.”

If we can back away and let the lessons of both coaches and sport take hold, then the ups and downs they weather will build the character to carry them through life.