Picture these recent conversations in our retirement community in Sun City:
A softball friend: “Hey buddy, we are meeting some other couples at AL’s on Friday night for dinner. You and Heidi want to join us?”
Me: “Thanks for the invite, but my wife and I are attending a marriage conference at our church.”
The softball friend: “Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t know you and Heidi were having problems.”
Me: “Ha-ha, no we are just doing a refresher course.”
A golf friend: “Hey Joe, we are looking for a fourth to play golf Saturday, are you in?”
Me: “Thanks for the invite, but my wife and I are attending a marriage conference at our church.”
The golf friend: “Oh, Ok. I assume you are teaching the course for some of the younger couples?”
Me, chuckling: “Nah, Heidi and I are going as attendees along with 150 other couples.”
So why did my wife of 37 years and I attend a Marriage Conference entitled “Love Like Christ”? Simple: You are never too old to learn new things and to come up to speed with what is happening around today’s views on marriage, especially from a faith-based perspective. As I looked around our Lowcountry Community Church hall, I observed couples from very “mature” to newlyweds and even a few engaged couples trying to get it right from the start.
Here is a link to see a short video recap of the Marriage Conference.
Our conference speaker was bestselling author Gary Thomas, who has written over 20 books, including “Sacred Marriage.” Right from the start, Gary delivered impactful, hard-hitting truths. What I remember most about the first day was his description of married life: “Everything you want is on the other side of hard.”
Gary went on to say, “Marriage is hard. Do it anyway. We all stumble in so many ways. Even the best of marriages are difficult. We discount a very good marriage because we expect it to be perfect. Your spouse will disappoint you at times. Get over it!”
One of the slides Gary showed said, “A holier you leads to a healthier you, which leads to a happier you, which leads to a happier marriage. A spiritually healthy you makes a spiritually healthy marriage possible. When embraced as God designed it, marriage can be a healing, happy and worshipful place.”
As noted in his 2024 article for the Institute for Family Studies, “Married People Are Living Their Best Lives”, author Jonathan Powell, principal economist at Gallup, stated that Gallup data from 2020 to 2023 show that marital status is a stronger predictor of well-being for American adults than education, race, age and gender. “Any way you analyze those data, we see a fairly large and notable advantage to being married in terms of how people evaluate their life.”
Let me make my intentions clear. This column absolutely looks at marriage from a Biblical perspective, so I’m not here to argue its role in today’s world. I have learned through my life experiences that we all need guidance, and heaven knows I could have used a lot more courses like this when I was younger. We all make mistakes, because we are human, and having a better knowledge of what makes a marriage not only last, but thrive, should be a part of everyone’s education. I am an unashamed proponent of helping younger couples learn the Biblical guidelines to help them avoid the mistakes that lead to divorce and unhappy marriages.
Unfortunately, many of today’s young adults have been persuaded to believe that marriage is old-fashioned and not necessary for a fulfilling life. In Madrid on June 10, Pope Leo XIV reminded young people that marriage is not merely a life choice but a vocation, a sacred calling lived with love, sacrifice and trust in God. “Do not be afraid of marriage. Do not be afraid of starting a family.”
Elton Trueblood, author, theologian and former chaplain both to Harvard and Stanford universities, said this about marriage: “A successful marriage is not one in which two people, beautifully matched, find each other and get along happily ever after because of this initial matching. It is, instead, a system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught by a dream bigger than themselves that they work throughout the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true.”
Gary Thomas said research shows that it takes nine to 14 years for couples to go from “me to we” and truly feel a sense of oneness. The Bible states several times that marriages will stumble. When Gary researched if couples thought that marriage was easier or harder than they expected, only 1% of respondents said it was easier. He said we have to double down to honor each other. “God didn’t design marriages to be happy; he designed them to be holy. If we are holy, we will be filled with joy.”
Gary did an entire session titled “Sexual Saints: How Christian belief and practice preserves, redeems, enhances and protects sexual relationship, renewing our affections for each other.” It was admittedly a bit awkward sitting in our sanctuary with 300 people listening to a talk about being vulnerable and having uncomfortable conversations about intimacy for God’s purpose. Gary handled it so professionally and with humor to lighten up the room. He talked about sexual intimacy being a powerful force by God’s design.
He also talked about how easy it is to blame God when things don’t go our way. He described an elderly gentleman who lost his wife to cancer when they were in their 60’s. It would be so easy to ask God, “Why? Why did you take her away from me?” The man’s response was pure grace. “I must be grateful for the years God gave me with my spouse instead of being bitter that they were taken from me too soon.”
Gary concluded, “Culture tells us we ‘find’ a match. Wrong. Marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make. The spiritual discipline of perseverance is critical for any marriage to last.” Every chapter of a married life is different. He advised the audience to pray often with our spouses, to read the Bible to each other and to attend Bible studies together. In describing his own marriage of 38 years he said, “Our marriage, our partnership, thrives because of our commitment to God.”
Yes, marriage is hard. Do it anyway.
