Penn State Football: The Big Ten’s 12th Team

STATE COLLEGE – So, the numerically challenged Big Ten Conference — which has 11 members, the latest of which is Penn State, admitted in 1990 and began playing football in 1993 — has announced that over the next 12 to 18 months it will investigate the idea of expansion. And it will do so without formally talking with non-member schools.

I agree. No need to be formal. Or take that long. I have my own process for picking the league’s newest member. And I won’t be talking with Jerry Palm, Jeff Sagarin or Kirk Herbstreit, either. It is this simple:

First, the incoming university must be a member of the Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS). That is, it must be one of the 120 schools part of college football’s Bowl Championship Series (BCS). And therefore fields a football team.

Otherwise, the Big Ten Conference will have nothing to do with a potential 12th team. You can be sure of that.

So while the Big East Conference is a member of the FBS — what you and I know as the old Division I — fully half of its 16 members, like Georgetown and Seton Hall, don’t play big-time football. So that leaves only eight Big East major college football teams for the league to protect against a Big Ten raid.

And that’s how the number of Sun Belt schools that the Big Ten can consider stealing — er, adding — is nine, not the 13 total members it claims.

Time to begin our search. Let’s officially start the counting at 120. The Big Ten already has 11 schools, so that drops the number to 109.

Eliminate-all-hyphenated-schools (and we’ll throw in Penn State Altoona in the spirit of things): University of Alabama-Birmingham, Louisiana-Lafayette, Louisiana-Monroe, Texas-El Paso

These are out; they’re apparently so unknown they have to tell us which city or state they’re in: Miami (Ohio), Boston College, Houston and University of Nevada, Las Vegas

Get rid of any schools that are the name of a person: Troy, Marshall, Duke, Virginia, Georgia, Washington

Any schools featuring wood shop or mining can be tossed: Virginia Tech, Texas Tech, Georgia Tech, Louisiana Tech, Texas A&M

Starches? Sorry, we’re on the South Beach Diet: Rice, Boise State, Idaho

Eliminate the guns: Miami (Fla.), Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, Army, Navy, Air Force, Kent State (sorry)

And dispense with any flaming arrows: Florida State

Denominational schools, or thereabouts, don’t have a prayer: Temple, Texas Christian, Brigham Young, Southern Methodist, Notre Dame, Baylor, (Holy) Toledo

Backyard games are not big-time enough: Bowling Green, Ball State

Not really Michigan: Central Michigan, Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan

Not really Ohio State: Ohio

Is really Illinois State: Illinois State

Really, there’s another university in Iowa? Iowa State

What happens when the smog clears in Los Angeles: UCLA

What happens when F stands up: UCF

Too young for old Big Ten-like traditions: New Mexico State, New Mexico

Mascots are OK, universanimals are not: Buffalo, Cal

Named after a highway? Hit the road: Tulane

Too unknown if you need directions to get there: Southern California, South Carolina, South Florida, Middle Tennessee, Southern Mississippi, Northern Illinois, Florida Atlantic, Florida International, North Texas, Western Kentucky, East Carolina

Why would you be named after a non-sleepy woods? Wake Forest

Too artsy if named after a Broadway musical or TV show: Oklahoma, Stanford (& Son)

Color them not in: Auburn

We’re still pissed at them for ruining Joe Paterno’s Eastern Conference in the 1980s: Syracuse, Pitt

They’re just too good in both football and basketball: Texas, Florida

Jim Delaney has never been to these states: Utah, Utah State, Mississippi, Mississippi State, Arkansas State, Arkansas, Wyoming

OK to go sans a San: San Jose State, San Diego State

Any Nick Saban-coached school not already mentioned: Alabama

Schools with mascots who are just too embarrassing: Oregon Ducks, Oregon State Beavers

Schools with a tiger (how original) as its mascot: LSU, Missouri, Clemson, Memphis

C’mon, what’s with that no athletic department thing? Vanderbilt

We’re tired of hearing that this would be a good idea: Rutgers, Cincinnati

Take one from the ACC? Why, they only play basketball: North Carolina, North Carolina State, Maryland

The air is too dry or too high: Colorado, Colorado State, Arizona, Arizona State, Nevada

This one? Zip: Akron

Too flat: Nebraska, Tulsa, Kansas, Kansas State, Oklahoma State

Self-evident: Louisville, Fresno State

Pullman sounds too much like Poorman: Washington State

Bad precedent that basketball coach is highest paid state employee: Connecticut

Which leaves us with the ideal institution of higher learning to add to the Big Ten. This school would be the best football road trip of the conference, is a Land Grant University and features a highly-ranked women’s volleyball team. This new member is also its state’s leading engine for economic growth and diversification, and is poised to be the bridge for Big Ten Conference growth to the Far East. Impressive.

The Big Ten’s 12th school? University of Hawaii.

Why not? It’ll be perfect for Joe Paterno’s final game. Aloha.